Getting Over You
by Lorelei6
Summary: Remus Lupin is in love with someone he shouldn't be-his best friend, Sirius Black. Remus decides the only way to get over him is to date someone else. When Sirius see's this, he can't take it. He loves Remus. Will they ever tell each other what they feel?
1. Leaning In

_Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Harry Potter. The wonderful and goddess-like JK Rowling did, so blame her for your obsessiveness._   
Getting Over You: Leaning In 

_Color the coast with your smile,  
it's the most genuine thing  
that I've ever seen.  
I was so lost,  
but now I believe._

_Dashboard Confessional – Carry This Picture_

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

With a sigh, I shook my hair out of my eyes and leaned over my desk again, my distaste for Professor McGonagall acute. It was only the second week of school and she had them taking a test. The only sound in the room was the rough symphony of quills scratching on parchment. With a flourish, I finished up my Transfiguration test and set down my quill. I turned my head to the left to see Sirius Black (my best mate) still taking his test, his quill racing over the parchment. On my right, James Potter (another one of my best friends) was idly doodling on a spare bit of parchment, obviously having finished his test way before me. Next to James, Peter Pettigrew (the final installment in our merry group) was leaning closely to his desk, deep in thought.

I leaned back in my chair, confident in my memory and test taking skills when I noticed Sirius was finished his test and sucking on the end of a Sugar Quill. With a smirk I ripped a pit of parchment and scribbled him a note.

_I can tell by the look on your face that you passed supremely. As usual. – Remus_

I slid the note only Sirius's desk and watched him open the note. His ever-present smile widened and I felt my heart flutter. Down boy... He scrawled a reply and handed the note back to me.

**Of course I passed, silly boy. Most of it was review on Amimagi, for Merlin's sake. What's Jamesie up to? - Sirius**

_Mooning over Lily, like always. Don't accuse him of it, though, he'll just deny it. Like always. – Remus_

**Oh yeah. I see he's got his spare bit of parchment. Evans has ruined that poor bloke. He's probably writing down all possible ways to win her heart. If she has one.**

I couldn't help but snicker at that last comment. Sure, it was mean and Lily had always been nice to me, but she had no room in her heart for mischief-makers. Which is why she had yet to say yes to James's many advances. I imagine he'll make it hard for her this year, with them being Head Boy and Girl and all.

But I couldn't help to compare my predicament with James's. Sure, I wasn't in love with Lily, but we both had about the same chance of getting our loves to love us back.

Nil.

"What's that you have there, Mr. Lupin?" a voice behind me said. Shit. I winced and slowly turned around to see McGonagall standing behind me.

"My test?" I said with an innocent smile and put the note in my pocket. I could tell the smile wasn't working as she held out her hand with a stern expression on her face.

"The note, Lupin, between you and your pal Black." I looked at Sirius and shrugged a little and handed McGonagall the note, silently cursing her bloody hawk eyes. She deftly opened the note and read it. "Well, interesting indeed. I was not aware that Potter was harboring a crush on Ms. Evans."

At the sound of their names, both Lily and James looked at Sirius and I. Lily glared at James, who was now blushing furiously. He quickly recovered from the public humiliation and smiled at Lily who simply scowled in return.

Before Lily could tell off James, the bell rang and McGonagall yelled over the noise of chattering students and scraping chairs. "Put your tests on my desk as you leave. Not so fast you two," McGonagall said sharply before me and Sirius could escape without punishment. With a sigh we turned around and looked at the Professor. "Detention tomorrow night, Lupin and Black. My office at eight o'clock."

"Righto, Professor!" Sirius said with his usual grin. "We'll be there. Come on, Rem, I can hear the food calling me from here."

"See you tomorrow, Professor," I called as Sirius pulled me out of the classroom. As we entered the hallway he threw his arm around my shoulders. I knew it was just a friend thing, but I couldn't help but hope that maybe – just maybe – it meant more.

My hopes were shattered as he threw his other arm around James's shoulders as we walked down the hallway towards the Great Hall.

"I hope you guys got more that one detention for embarrassing me," James said, glaring at us.

Sirius just rolled his eyes and let us go to brush his hair out of his eyes. "Come on, Prongs, everyone in the damned school knows that you've had a thing for Evans for almost seven years now."

I smiled sheepishly at James, knowing he would forgive us in no time, and shifted my book-filled pack on my shoulder. Sirius and James continued to bicker and I easily tuned them out. Usually it amused to hear them argue about nonsense, but today I couldn't deal with it. With a sigh I shook my blonde hair out of my troubled blue-grey eyes.

As much as I tried, I couldn't hold it back from myself any longer. I'd already been holding it back for years. I was in love. In love with someone I definitely shouldn't be in love with. I just couldn't help myself.

Every time I saw that smile, heard that laugh... I fell deeper in love.

It was starting to become a definitely problem.

"Remus?" James said, pushing my shoulder gently and pulling me out of my self-pity party.

"Come on, Rem, you could at least pretend to be interesting in your present company," Sirius joked with a smile.

Oh yes, definitely a problem.

"Sorry, guys, I was just thinking. Did I miss anything important?" I misled apologetically at them as we entered the Great hall. James didn't seem to notice, he was too busy staring at a certain redhead who was laughing with her friends.

"Oh, just the usual," Sirius said offhand as we sat at the Gryffindor table, not even sparing Lily a glance. "James should get over Lily, it's the best thing for him, it's impossible, blah blah blah."

I shook my head, disappointed in Sirius's offhand assessment. "You can only talk so indifferently because you, my dearest Padfoot, have never been in love. Wait till it happens to you," I warned, "you won't be so self-confident then." I immediately realized my mistake as both James and Sirius looked at me.

Sirius smirked playfully and prepared to torture me. "Sounds to me like Moony is in love. Who's the luck girl?" he asked as he piled potatoes on his plate."

I felt myself blush and concentrated on a plate of toast. "There is no 'lucky girl'," I answered truthfully. I looked up at Sirius and smiled a little. "Sorry to disappoint you, mate." Definitely no girl.

"Come on, Remus," James probed through a mouthful of chicken, "you can tell us anything."

"I know, but really, there isn't a girl." _Tell you anything. Right. How about 'Yeah, I fancy guys.'_

"If you insist..." Sirius was smiling wickedly at me, as if he knew all my secrets. Merlin, I hoped he didn't.

"I insist. Where's Peter?" I asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Library," James replied. "He's afraid that all our other teachers will give us tests like McGonagall did."

"McGonagall's just a sadistic bitch, Prongs, and she proved that today by not only giving us a test, but landing me and Moony in detention. The only one here worse than her his Harvey."

"You're just still pissed about that time he made you clean the dungeon after you blew up Evan Rosier's cauldron."

I shook my head as the two continued to bicker and finished my dinner. I was glad they stopped bugging me, but it was really starting to get annoying. "Sorry to interrupt, guys," I said as I stood up, "but I just wanted to tell you I'm heading outside. I'll see you in the common room later."

I picked up my pack and exited the Great Hall, my two friends still arguing. There was something I had to think about. As I reached the doors, I felt someone staring at me and turned around to see Sirius's eyes on my face. I blushed deeply, embarrassed at the hopeful thinking this encouraged, and quickly went outside.

_**Sirius Black's PoV:**_

I watched Remus leave as James continued to yell at me about something, I'd lost track of what. As Remus approached the doors out of the Great Hall, he glanced back at me – at us, me and James – and blushed. It would be too hopeful to suppose it was because of me. But, Merlin, he was beautiful.

"Sirius, what the hell is up with you?" James demanded and kicked my shin a bit. "You're not eating and you fazed out on me. That's normal for Remus, but you... It's more than a little odd."

"You don't have to be abusive you know," I said bad temperedly and glared at him. "And I'm not hungry anymore." To demonstrate my point, I pushed away my plate, ignoring James's surprised look, and picked up my goblet filled with pumpkin juice.

"Are you okay, Sirius?" James asked, looking truly concerned.

I sighed and reminded myself that James wouldn't understand, that I couldn't tell him about myself, that I had to keep this all a secret. "Yeah, I'm just worried about Remus," I found myself saying. Well, it wasn't all false. Remus was defiantly on his mind. "He seems really distant since we came back from summer vacation. I mean, Moony never was a very talkative person, but recently..." I sighed as I let the sentence hang.

James pushed his plate away, too, and glanced absently at the enchanted ceiling, at the moment as cloudy and moody as my own emotions. "I know what you mean. I can't help but think that he's holding something back from us." With a sigh, James looked down at his plate, pushing around the remaining food with a fork. Because his mind was on Remus, he didn't see Evans walk behind him and out of the Great Hall, to the outside. To where Remus was. "I wish he would talk to us. We're like brothers. Well, we're supposed to be."

I nodded in agreement, but couldn't help but think about both Evans and Remus escaping dinner to go outside... Could they be meeting? Why would they do that? Unless... unless they were secretly seeing each other. Could that be Remus's secret?

At the thought of Remus meeting some girl in secret, I felt my face pale and I jumped up out of my seat. "I have to go talk to Remus. I'll see you in the common room later, James."

I quickly left the Great Hall and hurried outside, hoping to stop anything before it happened. Once outside, I ignored the harsh whipping wind and looked for the sign of two people. Not under the Marauder's tree, not walking across the law, not by the lake... The lake!

I saw what looked like one very large person sitting by the edge of the lake. As I walked closer I realized that it was Evans and Remus – my beautiful Remus – sitting next to each other, with Remus's arm around Evans's shoulders. I watched in horror as Lily leaned closer to Remus and pressed her lips to his. I silently prayed that Remus would push her away, tell her that it was wrong, that he couldn't be with her, but he just sat there. Sat there and let her kiss him.

"Remus!" I heard myself yell as I raced across the lawn. Remus had disentangled himself from Evans by the time I was close enough to see Remus's face pale considerably beneath the moon.

Remus jumped up and clutched his hands together, obviously flustered. "Sirius, I-"

"Come on, Remus," I interrupted before I could hear any excuses and grabbed his arm, pulling him quickly away. "Excuse us, Evans," I called over my shoulder, "I need to talk to my friend here."

"Sirius it's not what it looked like," Remus attempted to explain. I said nothing and continued to pull him roughly into Hogwarts. "Sirius, please let me explain –"

"Shut up, Lupin," I replied sharply. I glared back at him and saw him wince. He had obviously realized the significance of me using his surname. Good. I pulled him into an empty classroom and slammed the door behind us. "Sit," I demanded and Remus shakily sat down in a chair behind the first desk. I paced restlessly in the front of the classroom, wondering what the hell I was supposed to say in this situation.

"Sirius, if you would let me explain –"

"Damn it, Moony! What the fuck is your problem?! You do realize that you were kissing Evans, right? Lily Evans? The girl that your friend, James Potter, has been obsessing over for going on SEVEN YEARS?!" I yelled, relishing in the fact that Remus at least had the decency to look ashamed. "How long has this been going on? How long have you been sneaking away to snog Evans?"

Remus bolted up out of his seat and stared at me, apparently astonished. "Sneaking out? What in bloody hell are you talking about, Sirius? I went outside to think, she followed me, we were talking, and _she_ kissed _me_." Remus a hand through his hair and looked weary.

"Merlin, Rem," I said, the nickname rolling off my tongue, "I'm sorry. I just... I just wasn't expecting it and I guess I just exploded at the sight of you kissing her..." I looked at the floor realizing how much I had almost revealed. I wanted to tell him so bad. I wanted to tell my darling Remus how much I liked him, how jealous I was, how I wanted him to be mine.

"Siri, I don't even like gi – Lily." I looked up sharply. Did he almost say what I thought he almost said? Remus looked down at the floor of the classroom and kicked the ground a little. "I didn't kiss her."

"Rem..." What was I supposed to do? When Remus didn't look up, I tilted his chin up with my index finger, forcing him to look at me. Those eyes were so beautiful, so captivating... I didn't even notice that I had leaned in until my lips were pressed against his, until my hand snaked around to cup the back of his neck, bringing him closer.

Oh, this was wonderful.

Kissing Remus was everything I had dreamed it was. His lips were so soft and it felt glorious to have them rest against mine. Suddenly the kissing stopped as Remus stumbled back from me, his face bright red. "Remus..." I said, unsure of what to say next.

"I – I have to go," Remus said before he hurriedly exited the classroom. I sat on the teacher's desk and put my head in my hands, realizing how stupid I really was.

I kissed Remus.

And he ran away. He ran away.

As it sunk in, tears fell down my face and I quickly wiped them away.

I don't know how long I sat in that silent classroom, but I realized at some point that I had to go to the Gryffindor tower before I got in trouble. I just hoped I'd be able to postpone seeing Remus for a bit.

_Author's Note: So, what did you guys think? This is my first ever attempt at WolfStar, so you'll just have to deal with me for a bit. Or you could just not read it. But I hope that won't happen. I really love Remus and Sirius together, but I like other ships too, so they're not going to get together for a bit. I hate those stories where right away they're together and the relationship has no time to develop. Yeah.. Enough out of me. Please review!_

_ Rae_


	2. Fixing Things

_Disclaimer: I am not the original creator of Harry Potter. If you thought I was, you have some serious issues and should see a doctor._

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews!! ::giggles:: They made me happy! Thanks to: shimi, Bridget N, Froline el-Vasper, Riana Bay ((hey, I know you!!)), Moonlight and Midnight ((wait, I know you too!!)), and PanPan ((thanks for reviewing my other stories, too! That made me happy!))

Getting Over You: Fixing Things 

_Do I drink? Do I date?  
I've got perfect placement all my ink.  
Satisfied, in your eyes.  
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now.  
I made sure, that I look how I wanted to look.  
The people around me, the people surround me.  
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry._

_ The Used – I'm A Fake i _

_**Remus Lupin's PoV**_

I kissed Sirius.

Bloody hell. I kissed Sirius Black, my best friend. Isn't there some rule about loving your best friend and acting upon it? Doesn't that ruin the relationship? I imagine that if such a rule exists, I definitely broke it, and Sirius won't want to talk to me anymore.

I'm such a bloody moron!

As soon I got to the Gryffindor tower, I raced through the common room and up to the dormitory. Once there, I shut the curtains around my bed and threw myself down on it, burying my head in my pillow and letting the tears come. That was perhaps the stupidest and most humiliating thing that I have ever done in my seventeen years of existence. And that was including when I almost told Sirius that I didn't like girls about two seconds before I kissed him.

Today seemed to be the day for gay mishaps.

I sat up and wiped the tears from my face, hoping Sirius wouldn't come in for a bit. I quickly got out of bed and changed into my pajamas, secretly hoping that this was a terrible nightmare that I would soon wake up from.

No kissing Lily.

No kissing Sirius.

Just.. no kissing at all.

But, oh, it would be wonderful to kiss Sirius again. Those lips were incredibly soft and seemed to mold perfectly to mine. It was just what I had dreamed of.

Except for the running away part, of course. In my dreams, I push Sirius roughly against a wall and kiss him frantically and passionately, my tongue sliding over his. I'd run my hands through that glorious hair and-

Footsteps on the stairs pulled me harshly out of my delicious fantasy. I quickly hid behind my curtains and burrowed myself deep under my covers. I heard the dormitory door swing open and people – two, three? – come in the room.

"Where's Remus?" I hear James ask. The door clicked shut behind him.

"Dunno," Peter replied. Maybe Sirius wasn't there at all… "He came tearing through the common room about thirty minutes ago."

"Keep it down, I think he's asleep," a familiar voice admonished. Oh, my dear beautiful Sirius… "His bed curtains are closed."

The voices lowered considerably out of courtesy for me and I was soon lulled into sleep. With the memory of Sirius's kiss fresh on my lips, I slipped into quiet dreams of Sirius, my shining star.

_**Three Days Later, Sirius Black's PoV**_

I was woken up early by rustles on the other side of my bed curtains. I looked at the watch I had neglected to remove the night before and groaned quietly.

Six o'clock. In the morning.

I lay there for a bit, trying to wake up properly. Or at least enough so that I wouldn't bite off the head of the first person I saw. Knowing that I would never be able to get back to sleep, I sat up and pulled the curtains away. I stretched and yawned with my eyes closed against the morning light and heard a door close quickly. I opened my eyes and noticed that the curtains on Remus's bed were open, and he wasn't in it. I had successfully managed to avoid talking to him for the past three days, which meant sitting through a silent detention, and I hoped that I could continue to postpone the inevitable.

Running my hands through my hair I walked over to the bathroom, absently noticing the wet carpet and opened the door. The most beautiful I sight I had ever seen greeted me on the other side of the door.

Remus was standing there with nothing on but a towel about his waist, his pale skin illuminated from the droplets still clinging to him. His hair was wet and dripping onto his shoulders, leaving wonderful trails of water that I followed with my eager gaze. Remus's six pack was glistening with the water he didn't fully dry off and from the face down he was slowly turning pink from embarrassment.

"I.. um.. I thought you were.. um.. gone.." I mumbled, still staring at him and standing in the doorway.

Remus looked down, his face and chest turning even redder. "I thought you were asleep.."

For a few more moments we both just stood there in silence, unsure of what to say or do. "Well.. um.. I should go get dressed.." Remus said, leaving his sentence hanging, now bright red.

I nodded a bit and moved to one side, as did he. We moved forward at the same time, not fully realizing that we had both moved to the same side. As we bumped, my arms automatically wrapped around him so he wouldn't fall. I blushed at the delicious feeling of Remus's warm, damp skin connecting with mine.

It felt so amazingly … _right_.

Before I could think of what I wanted to say or lean in and kiss those tantalizing lips, Remus was quickly backing away and rushing past me. "Excuse me," he mumbled and shut the door quietly behind him.

I stared at the closed door for a bit, amazed at my own stupidity. I ran my hands threw my hair again and shook my head. What the hell was my problem? It was obvious that Remus didn't want me, so why did I keep going after him? With a sigh, I stripped and stepped into the water. I turned the water on hot, needing the almost unbearable heat to pound my skin. I tilted my head back, letting the scalding water spray across my face.

Why did I decide to act upon this feeling I had for Remus? Why couldn't I have just continued on like I had been, pretending I didn't want my best friend? I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel as I did so. Why couldn't I have just kept up the façade that I'd had for years now and act like I wasn't gay?

Well, I suppose technically I would be bisexual, because I definitely like women. But none of them as much as I like Remus. As much as I wanted Remus. As much as I _needed_ Remus.

I opened the bathroom door and saw Remus's bed empty and no trace of him left in the room. I knew none of the other boys would be awake yet, so I quickly got dressed and headed towards the Great Hall.

When I finally arrived there, my heart sank as I realized how few people were up on Saturday at seven o'clock. The only Gryffindor that I knew (besides Remus) was Marius Lovegood, and he tended to be a bit… fuzzy. With a great sigh I walked over to where Remus was sitting and plopped down next to him.

"Morning, Rem," I said cheerfully, as if nothing had happened earlier.

"Good morning, Sirius," he answered politely. I could almost hear my heart break. Remus hadn't talked to me like that since I confronted him about being a werewolf and he thought I would leave him.

"Why are you up so early?" I asked, trying to start a conversation. Remus simply shrugged and continued staring at his bowl of oatmeal. I sighed and pushed the cereal I had poured into a bowl around with my spoon. This wasn't right. Things weren't supposed to be this awkward around us. By now we'd be laughing and smiling and joking with each other.

And it was all my fault.

I had to fix it.

"What have you been up to? We haven't really been talking the past few days." Remus looked up, surprise in his eyes. Did he think I hadn't noticed?

"Nothing. Just school work, you know," Remus replied and looked back down. He pushed his bowl away and stood up. "See you later, Sirius."

"Remmy…" I said softly and pleadingly as he began to walk away, not expecting him to hear me. Remus stopped and slowly turned around and looked at me, a question in his eyes. "Talk to me, Rem, please."

My speech was thick with the fight with myself to hold back the tears that threatened to break through. I refused to cry in front of Remus, but it was so hard.

Remus just shook his head and turned back around, walking out of the Great Hall.

I sat there for a few moments, not quite believing what had just happened. I jumped up out of my chair and left the Great Hall as fast as I could without running. I burst out of the school into the dim, dewy morning and let the tears fall.

Remus hated me.

He hated me because I was stupid and had given him unwanted attention. Not in a million years would he ever forgive me. How could I live without Remus talking to me?

I stalked around the grounds with my hands in my pockets and my head down. Slowly the rain started to fall and within minutes I was soaked. The rain suited my mood. I walked around the lake, watching my feet kick at the rock earth. Suddenly another pair of feet came into view, but the fact that someone else was there didn't register until I bumped into them. I wrapped my arms around them – her – so she wouldn't fall and was vividly reminded of earlier that morning.

I looked up and realizing who it was quickly let go and scowled. "Watch where you're going, Evans."

Lily Evans scowled back and shoved her hands in her pockets. "You watch where you're going, Black." Her hair was flying around her face and she shook it back. "What are you doing out here anyway?"

"I could ask you the same thing," I replied and hoped she couldn't tell that I had been crying. I didn't need people knowing that I had been crying and discovered by Evans.

"If you tell me, I'll tell you," Evans said, suddenly very serious, the scowl no longer on her face.

I studied her for a moment, trying to decide whether or not I could trust her. "I got in a fight with Remus." Sort of. "And now he won't talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Evans said, sounding sincere, using my first name for the first time since our third year at Hogwarts. "I know you guys are really close." Evans looked down and kicked at a rock. "Was it – well, did you guys fight over me kissing him?"

I sighed and ran my hands through my wet hair. "At first. Then we kinda fought over something else. I tried talking to him today and he just walked away. I think he hates me."

Evans looked up at me and shook her head vehemently. "He doesn't hate you. Remus could never hate you. I be he's just confused." I looked at her, a little afraid of what she was getting at. But she wasn't done talking. "You kissed him, didn't you?"

"WHAT?!" I exclaimed, not able to stop myself from the outburst. How the hell had she guessed that? "Why would I kiss Remus? He's my best friend. And a _guy_." I was going to burn in hell. Evans just shrugged and I glared at her furiously. She obviously didn't believe me. I had to convince her, but how?

As the idea came to me I slyly smirked. I grabbed her hand and pulled her tight against me. Before she could react, I crushed her mouth with mine and wrapped her tightly in my arms. Evans made some noise – primal, exotic – in the back of her throat and threw her arms around me. I sucked on her bottom lip and opened her lips with mine, sliding my tongue into her mouth and caressing her tongue with mine.

I felt her melt in my arms and I nipped her bottom lip before I drew back.

Her eyes were dreamy and blurred. I held her close for a second, just to make sure she wouldn't fall, and then let her go. I couldn't help but smirk at her still dreamy gaze.

"See you later, Evans," I said cockily and walked away. It wasn't until later that I realized Evans hadn't told me why she had been walking in the rain alone on a Saturday morning.

_**Remus Lupin's PoV**_

Why hadn't I just talked to him? Why had I been so incredibly stupid? Sirius obviously just wanted to forget that anything had happened and he was trying to get everything back to normal. But no, I had to be stupid.

But was it stupid to not want to forget the greatest moment in my life?

Okay, maybe saying the greatest moment in my life was when Sirius and I kissed was going overboard, but it was definitely up there. The greatest moment in my life so far was when Sirius confronted me about being a werewolf and didn't run away. He is so beautiful. Oops, off topic.

I sighed and sketched idly on a piece of parchment. I was in the Library, sitting at my own table in a corner. My spot. I had a pile of books around me, thought I wasn't reading any of them. They were just my cover. The Library was my special place to relax and do what I loved most. Not even Sirius knew about this. All the Marauders thought I came here to read and study.

Come on, give me a break. I did have a life. A pathetic one, but it was there.

The one thing that no one knew about me was that I was an artist. When I came to the Library it was because I needed to be alone to draw. My pack was filled with pictures that I had drawn, only a few in color since painting wasn't exactly permitted in the Library. I had to wait until night to do that.

I pulled out a new piece of parchment and began to sketch my love. Where he belonged. Among the stars. I drew an ethereal spirit with a smile and laughing eyes. I drew a mischievous sprite with flowing wings and stars in his hands. The stars and the moon.

The angel that held my fate in his hands.

Star child.

Sirius.

When I finished I set down my quill and looked at the drawing, by far my greatest piece of art ever.

Then I put my head in my hands and cried.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

_Author's Note: There's another chapter over and done with! I should have chapter three up soon. After that, they may take a bit. Just a warning, I'm a bit slow with updates. But I really love this story, so as long as I have reviews, I'll be motivated. ((Hint, Hint)) I don't care if you email me either, just to tell me to get my friggin ass moving. - I love you guys!!_

_Rae_


	3. Back To Normal

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, much to my regret. I'm just temporarily borrowing the wonderful and amazing JK Rowling's characters. _

_A/N: I hope no one gets angry at me for this chapter and the next. Just to warn you, there isn't going to be immediate Remus/Sirius action. There's thoughts – oh, yes, thoughts are fun – but no action. There's other action, just not any action that you wantright now. But don't worry, it'll eventually happen. Happy reading!_

Getting Over You: Back To Normal 

"_I could die from the words that you say."_

_ Dashboard Confessional – Ghost Of A Good Thing_

_**Sirius Black's PoV**_

I had to talk to Remus. This was driving me totally insane. Why wouldn't he just talk to me? After I had talked to Evans yesterday I tried to find Remus. He hadn't been in the Library, or if he had been he had hidden himself expertly. I wouldn't put it past him. Remus was terribly smart and he was always showing you without being prattish about it, unlike me and James. We knew we were smart so everyone else had to know, too.

That was one of the things I liked about Remus. His modesty.

But now I was sitting in an empty classroom with my head in my hands and wondering what the hell I did wrong. Well, I knew what I did wrong. I fucking kissed Remus. From now on I'd just have to act like nothing had happened.

I looked at the clock on the wall. Time for class.

_**Remus Lupin's PoV**_

Pretend like nothing happened.

Right.

This was one of those things that's easier said than done. Sirius hadn't been at breakfast, so I had to wait until our first class together. I noticed that James kept sliding glaces at me and I half smiled at him, showing him that I was okay. I looked around for Sirius as we entered the Charms classroom and I stopped dead in my tracks.

Sirius was sitting in his usual spot. Back of the room, right hand side, middle chair. His hair was falling his face, like it always was, and still wet from his morning shower, but there was something subtly different. An almost imperceptible difference. I walked over and sat next to him, like always, and smiled a bit, nervous to the outcome. Sirius smiled back and leaned back in his chair.

"Hey, kids," he said and smiled at James. "Where's Peter?"

"Sleeping," James replied. "He hates this class anyway."

"What class doesn't he hate?" Sirius said calmly and threw a ball of paper at James's head. "The little rat has no talent at all."

"Sirius!" I said, quite astonished. It was one thing to pick on Peter was he was there, but another entirely when he wasn't there to defend himself. Not like he ever did much defending. "Leave him alone, he's not even here."

Sirius snorted rudely and threw a ball of paper at me. "Chill, Ron, it's just a little fun. He wouldn't care if he was here anyway. He never cares."

"You don't know what's going on in his head, Sirius. You can't possibly know what he's feeling." I shook my head and took out a piece of parchment, prepared for the start of class. "Something as insignificant as the flutter of a butterfly's wings could cause the destruction of the world."

Sirius just laughed and ruffled my hair, making me scowl. "We don't need a lesson in the Chaos Theory, Rem. Besides, poking at Peter isn't going to destroy the world."

"But it could destroy him," I said softly and looked up at him with stormy eyes. I watched as Sirius's smile disappeared and his eyes clouded over. I could tell he was mad at me, upset that I had yelled at him about Peter.

"Don't be such an ass, Lupin," Sirius said icily and turned away from me.

Just then Professor Flitwick entered the classroom and motioned us to take our seats and prepare for the lesson. Sirius sent quiet glares at me throughout the whole class period, not speaking to me even when Flitwick paired the two of us together to work on the Apellus Charm.

At the end of the period we brought our rocks back to the front of class, successfully breaking the charm that had been hiding them. James walked between us as we headed towards the dungeons for our Potions class.

"Come on, guys, talk to each other," James pleaded when we reached the classroom and still hadn't said a word to one another. I put my books softly down on my desk and sat with my hands folded, like always. Sirius sprawled in his seat next to me and smirked, expecting me to apologize to him. Normally I would have, but not this time. I was finished with Sirius's cocky attitude. It was my turn. I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I think I'll pass," I said and smirked at Sirius's look of astonishment. Take that, bloody wanker. "James, I've been meaning to ask you for a favor."

"Sure, anything, Moony," James replied, glancing from myself to Sirius.

"Set me –" I quickly cut the conversation off as the professor entered the room. "I'll talk to you at dinner."

_**Sirius Black's PoV**_

What was getting into that boy? Remus was acting like… me… I mean, sure, fighting with me was normal, but he usually apologized in no time and we'd be back to normal. It was our daily routine. But not only had he not apologized, but he wasn't being quiet and sulky and… Remus. He was suddenly outgoing and smiling and… me.

What the fuck?

I pushed my carrots around on my plate and watched Remus laugh with James over a prank that they pulled on the Slytherins during Potions. Something wasn't right, this wasn't Remus. I couldn't be so egotistical to think it had something to do with me, but what else could it be?

"Oh, Remus, you never told me what that favor was," James said while simultaneously stuffing his face with mashed potatoes.

Remus smirked and started to butter a roll. "I wanted to know if you could set me up with someone."

I spit the water I had been drinking out in surprise. What?! Remus wanted James to set him up with some _girl_?! I looked up to see Remus looking at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Sorry, choked on my water," I said and looked down. Realizing my friend's eyes were still on me, I started eating the food on my plate.

"Anyway, are you sure, Remus?" James asked uncertainly. "I've tried before and it just didn't work out. At all."

I looked up at Remus to see him shrug and smirk. "Maybe they just weren't good enough."

James smirked and chuckled softly. "I never knew you were so full of yourself, kiddo. Anyone you have in mind?" Remus shrugged and looked down.

That it hit me. Remus wanted to go out with… "Evans. Remus likes Evans," I said suddenly and both my friends looked up at me. Remus was shaking his head and James had gone pale. "Don't lie, Rem, I know you do."

"Sirius, you're just being a dick," Remus said casually. "You know that's not true. I don't know why you're trying to hurt James like that, but it's wrong."

"Remus…" James said softly and looked him. "It's all right if you like her. I'm not getting anywhere with her. Maybe you're the kind of person she'd rather be with. Lily doesn't want a joker, she wants someone more serious." James smirked a little, his eyes a little sad. "I've lost count how many times she's called me an 'immature wanker'."

"James, I couldn't do that to you. It wouldn't be right." Remus cast his eyes down and folded his hands in his lap. I felt the flutter of panic in my heart when I realized what Remus's words meant. He really did like Evans. My beautiful, softspoken Remus liked… Evans.

Evans.

Not me.

A redheaded girl with glowing stars for eyes.

Not me.

I heard James telling Remus that he didn't care, he could set him up with her. Some how. He's lay off for a big and Remus could talk to Lily and hopefully get her to go out with him.

Not me.

I looked up at Remus, lovely Remus, and wished he could cure this aching in my heart.

DAMN EVANS!

"James, I can't do that to you. It wouldn't be right," Remus was saying. Remus with his morals and ideas of right and wrong. Remus who would never betray those who he was loyal to, Remus who would love one person for the rest of his life. I had secretly hoped that person could be me, but now… Now I knew it could never be. He liked…

Evans.

"Remus, seriously, it's okay," James said with his usual crooked smile. "I have to get over her. It's time I admit that I'll never be able to be with her. It just wasn't meant to be." He shrugged and gently hit Remus's arm. "You're the perfect guy for her, I don't know why I didn't see it before."

James's words hit home. _'It's time I admit I'll never be able to be with her.'_ It was time I admitted that Remus would never see me as anything but a friend or surrogate brother. Maybe seeing Remus with Evans would help me… help me get over him.

"Go for it, Rem," I found myself saying. "The worst thing she can do is say no, right?" I smiled hopefully at him and he looked at me with an odd expression, just for a moment, then he smiled easily back.

"I don't know, guys, I'll have to think about it." Remus smiled a little more and changed the subject back to the prank before we could bug him more about it.

Later that night I lay in my bed, thinking about that odd look on Remus's face when I had encouraged him. What had that been? What had he been saying? Was he… _hurt_…?

_**Remus Lupin's PoV**_

Why had Sirius done that? What did he think he was doing? What the HELL provoked him to tell James that I liked Lily? Now I was stuck.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, putting my hands behind my head. I wished I could sleep outside, looking up at the stars, lulled into sleep by their tranquility. Even in wolf form the stars calmed me. While I'm running wild under the full moon, I don't remember much… I don't think much. I'm a beast, I'm wild, I'm out for blood. The only things that calm me are the stars… and Padfoot. Even if James and Peter couldn't be there on one of those nights, as long as if I had Sirius, I knew I would be okay.

Maybe that's what I was so drawn to Sirius. The star child. He brought energy and life wherever he went with his elegant hair falling in those beautiful eyes, his perfect lips curved into an arrogant smirk, his warmth moving into me as his lips pressed against mine –

NO! I shot up in bed and put my head in my hands.

I couldn't think of him that way! I could not have a – a – a _thing_ for Sirius. I couldn't like him and I couldn't love him, most definitely not. If Sirius ever knew what I was thinking he'd run away, as fast as he could.

But he didn't when he found out that I was a werewolf, and I was positive that's what anyone would do. Maybe if I just told him how I felt…

No, I couldn't risk our friendship like that. Lily was my only hope.

The only way to get over Sirius was to find someone to replace him. Merlin knows I had tried every other trick in the book. Now that everyone – well, not everyone, but my two best friends – thought I like Lily, I'd have to go with it. It couldn't be too much torture, right? Lily was cute, nice, smart, and fun.

The perfect woman that any man would want. Was it a wonder James loved her?

But she wasn't Sirius.

I sighed and lay on my back again, closing my eyes. I felt dawn's rays beginning to creep through the window as I hoped for a few hours of Sirius-less sleep.

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_A/N: I hope you guys liked that chapter! Please review! Now it's time for thank yous!_

_**Moonlight and Midnight (Kim) – **I'm really glad that you like this! It would really suck if one of my friends hated my fic.. What would that say about my writing talent?_

_**Moonlight (SSB) – **I love how you managed to throw Sean in there even though he had nothing to do with the story…_

_**goddess-of-the-sacred-river – **I'm glad you like this! About this having a happy ending.. I am sorry to inform you that I cannot divulge that information at this point and time. Don't hate me!_

_**Bridget N – **If you thought last chapter was sad, wait until you see later. I'm a pretty angsty writer. _

_**Riana Bay – **I LOVE YOU TOO!!_

_**The Meaning Of Haste – **Err.. I hope this is soon enough for you.._

_**PanPan - **::blushes:: Aww.. You make me feel so special!! LoL. Oh, don't worry about James. He'll be getting some action in the next chapter. ::giggles:: I just hope everyone doesn't kill me when it happens…_

_Love ya, guys! . . . Rae_


	4. Will You?

Disclaimer: You guys know the drill by now.. I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, plenty of things would be different.

_**Author's Note: I don't have the time to thank everyone right now, because I really want to get this out and my little brother is bugging me. DAMN YOU ZACHARY!! ((Heh, now he's made my fic.. Tee hee.)) I hope you really enjoy this chapter! I know I did! ::giggles:: Thank you everyone!!**_

**Getting Over You: Will you..?**

"_We're both such magnificent liars._

_So crush me, baby, I'm all ears."_

_Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do_

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

"Did you think about it, Moony?" James asked me over breakfast. I grunted, rudely, and grabbed a doughnut. "Aww… is poor little Remmy having nightmares?"

"Shut up, James, before I smash this doughnut in your face," I said calmly and placed said pastry on a napkin. "It would be a waste of food."

"It would be an insult to the doughnut," Sirius put in. "Imagine what it would say in doughnut heaven. 'Yeah, I got smashed in this ugly kid's face. Tear.'" Sirius beamed at James innocently.

"What are you so cheery about?" James asked grumpily. "Get lucky in the common room?"

Sirius fake gasped and put a hand over his heart. "You think so little of me, James!"

"From what I heard, it _is_ little," I replied, smirking evilly. God, I hoped it wasn't little. Wait, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

"Hey, that's not true!" Sirius exclaimed. "Never disgrace my manhood!"

"There's nothing _to_ disgrace," I said calmly. James looked back and forth between us, an amused smile on his face.

"Hey, guys, before this escalates into an inner-house war, chill, okay?" he said. I smiled at Sirius and bit into my doughnut. Sirius smiled back and shrugged, grabbing a piece of toast. "So, now that's over, did you think about it, Remus?"

"Think about what?" I replied, although I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"About Lily, silly boy," James said, rolling his eyes. He grabbed a bagel from a plate and put some butter on it. "Are you gonna go for her or what?"

"James.. Well, I don't know," I answered evasively. I didn't like Lily, it wouldn't be fair to her. But I couldn't tell James why I didn't like her…

"Come on, Moony, what's holding you back?" James asked and nudged my shoulder.

That night's dream came back to me. _Slick bodies, rolling against each other, soft nibbles on the neck, gasps of pleasure, eager moans, 'Sirius..'_ I quickly shook my head to get the image out of my head. "Uh… Nothing I guess."

"Well, then go for it!" Sirius said with a smirk. "She's right over there, Rem. She's waiting for you…"

I blushed and looked over to where Lily was standing with her friends looking at me. I quickly looked back at my friends. "Okay, so now she knows we're talking about her. Change of subject. Where's Peter?"

Sirius shrugged and bit into a muffin. "He said he had something to do."

"This early in the morning?" I asked incredulously. "I don't believe you. Did you pull a prank of him, Sirius?"

"What?" he replied, his eyes wide. "No! I never realized that you had such a low opinion of me, Rem." Was it a trick, or was he genuinely hurt? Yeah right. Sirius was never genuinely anything.

"I wouldn't put it past you. You've been really mean to him lately."

"Only because I don't trust him. Something's not right with him," Sirius replied and looked up at the ceiling absently.

"For once, I agree with him," James said and sighed. "He's been acting strange since he visited over the summer. Remember?"

I nodded, recalling how shaky and quiet Peter had been. "Maybe something happened at home."

"I just wish he'd tell us if something was wrong. We're supposed to be close," James said and ran his finger around the rim of his glass. "By the way, here comes Lily."

"What?" I said, just as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hello, boys," Lily said with a smile as I turned to look up at her.

"Hello, Lily," I said with a smile.

"Hey, Lils," James said, grinning at her and gave her a wink. Sirius sneered at her and looked down at the table.

"There's a Prefect meeting tonight. Heads and Prefects have to be in Dumbledore's office at seven," Lily said and ran her fingers along the back of my neck, sending shivers up my spine.

"Hey, Lily, could I talk to you real quick?" I asked her, taking her hand as I stood up.

"Sure," she replied, following me out of the Great Hall. "Why couldn't you talk to me in there?"

I smiled at her and closed the door behind us. "I'd rather not have an audience." I leaned in slowly and kissed her gently on the lips, just for a moment. "Will you go out with me?"

Lily smiled back at me and wound her arms around my neck, biting gently on my lower lip. "Of course, Remus." I put my arms around her waist as she kissed me, her tongue caressing mine.

Kissing Lily was different then kissing Sirius. Lily was gentle where Sirius was rough… Sirius's hands were larger and more…

No!

I held Lily closer and pushed her up against the wall, bracing my hands on either side of her. Lily moaned softly as I sucked gently on her lower lip. She broke away from me, gasping for air.

"You know, classes are going to start soon. We should probably get our books," Lily said while I kissed her neck softly.

"It's an idea," I muttered as she ran her hands through my hair, gasping as I sucked gently on her neck.

"Come on, Remus, I don't want to go to Ancient Runes with marks on my neck," Lily pushed me gently away and I smiled sheepishly at her while I stepped back. "Thank you."

"No problem," I replied, taking her hand as we walked towards the Great Hall. "Just do me a favor? Remind me not to do anything like that when James is around."

Lily laughed as we entered the Great Hall. "I'll try. See you in Charms." With a wave she walked over to her friends, smiling.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

_**One Week Later, Sirius Black's PoV:**_

It was sickening.

I never thought I'd say that about one of my best friends, but it was disgusting. Evans and Remus were together all the time. The only time they'd take a break was if James was near. But Remus looked happy, happier than he had looked in such a long time.

And I hated him for it.

What kind of friend was I? My best friend _finally_ looks happy and I can't stand it.

I wish he was back to normal.

I wish he didn't look so bloody happy when he was with _her_.

I wish he looked that happy when he was with me.

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling, ignoring the little beeps on James's alarm clock that signaled the hour. Three o'clock, in the morning. I was the only one awake in the dorm. I turned my head to look at Remus, watching him sleep.

Watching him, looking at his hair fall gracefully over his closed eyes, I understood how I got myself into this mess. He was simply beautiful. I looked away reluctantly with a sigh and sat up, running my hands over my face. I knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Since tomorrow was Saturday – well, it was already Saturday – it didn't really matter. There was Quidditch practice, but I'd played Quidditch in worse conditions.

I stood and went downstairs to the common room, not bothering to put on a shirt, and shook my hair out of my face. My hand trailed absently down the railing as I walked down the stairs, lost in thoughts of Remus. It wasn't until I sat in my normal chair that I noticed the fire was already burning and had been for quite a bit. As I turned my head to look at the couch behind me when the person spoke up.

"Hey, Padfoot, couldn't sleep?" James said, a small smile on his face. He was stratched out on the couch, his hands behind his head. James hadn't bothered to put on a shirt, either, but his Invisibility Cloak on the floor and an empty goblet next to a plate with some cookies on the table showed that he had been up for awhile.

"Yeah. Been down to the kitchens?" I asked and grabbed one of his cookies. James nodded and looked back at the fire. We sat there for a bit in comfortable silence, easy in each other's company.

"Hey, Sirius," James said, breaking the silence, "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Go ahead, Prongs," I replied. I was lounging in the chair sideways, my leg hanging over the arm.

"Do you like Remus?" he asked, looking at me with curious eyes.

I barely stopped myself from jolting in surprise and raised my eyebrows at him. "What, you mean do I have the hots for him? No, James, not in your wildest dreams."

"Those _would_ be some wild dreams." He smirked at my undoubtedly surprised expression. "Come on, you know Remus is hot."

"WHAT!?" What the hell was this? James was checking out Remus? _James?!_ "What the hell are you talking about?"

James grinned widely as he sat up. "I'm talking about Remus, of course. Come on, Padfoot, I've seen you checking him out."

"I – um – what?"

"You like Remus. That's why you're in the common room at – what? - four in the morning. That's why you haven't had a girlfriend since we started school. Because you like Remus. I don't know why you're trying to deny it. I don't have a problem with it. I shouldn't. I'm bi."

What the hell was this? Yesterday I thought James was the straightest guy I knew. Next that I know, he's telling me that he's bisexual and thinks Remus is hot. With all the thought and confusion running through my head, I studied James, trying to sort it all out.

James was sitting on the couch, firelight reflecting off his bare chest. His lips were turned up in a smug smile and his deep brown eyes were glistening with humor. His black hair was messy – as usual – from laying down and running his hands through it. My own lips turned up into a smile as I looked at my friend.

Damn, James was _hot._

"Hey, James, can I ask you something?" I said, sitting up properly.

"Sure, Padfoot."

"Have you ever kissed a guy?"

James blushed a little bit and shook his head. "No." He raised his eyebrow in question as I grinned widely. I leaned in close to James and closed my eyes when my lips met his. After a second of hesitation, I felt him respond to me, lifting his hand to cup the back of my neck gently, bringing us closer. I simply let my lips press against his before I nipped his bottom lip and pulled away.

"Well, now you have," I said casually and smiled at him. James smiled softly back and scraped his teeth lightly over his bottom lip. His hand felt warm on the back of my neck and I rested my hand on his chest. He leaned in and brushed his lips lightly over mine, just to taste. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Hey, Padfoot," James said, running his fingers lightly along the back on my neck, sending shivers up my spine. "Do you think this could become a regular thing?"

I smirked and leaned over, nibbling gently on his ear. "Oh yeah." James moaned softly and pushed me gently away.

"Wait, so are we messing around, just trying to console each other because the ones we really want to be with are dating? Or are we together?"

I looked at him for a second, my head tilted a little. Did I want to be with James? I sighed and smiled a little at him. "For now, option one. We can figure out if we want to be together later. But for now," I stood and held out my hand, "let's go to bed."

"What?" James asked, his face turning bright red, his eyes wide. I laughed at the delicious and rare sight of James Potter blushing.

"I meant sleep, James. I'm not that much of a slut."

"Oh, right." James stood, taking my hand, and we went up to the dormitory.

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_**Author's Note: So, what do you guys think? I know it's a little awkward, but I dunno, it was fun to write. Wait till you see the next chapter. I'll get it up ASAP!**_

_**Rachael**_


	5. Nothing

Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything related to HP, which makes me feel really sad and emo, but that's not the point. The point is.. um.. I don't remember. But you get the point.

A/N: Here's the chapter, guys! I was too lazy to wait for my beta, so you can there's probably tons of mistakes in here and stuff. Just ignore them for now. I'm sure she'll yell at me later or something. In the mean time.. Thank yous!

_**Ideal Menagerie: **LoL. If you felt that way about the last chapter, wait until you read this one. I would say that I'm sorry for destroying your sanity, but I doubt it was there to begin with._

_**Refallen:** Aww.. I love you too! I saw your review and I Fangirl squealed. It just made me smile!_

_**Mako-Kigue:** I'm glad you like this. Don't worry, our favorite slash couple will be together. At some point. Eventually. I just like to create suspense._

_**Kavfh:** They'll get together! Don't' worry! This is a WolfStar fic, after all._

_**moon maiden of time:** When I started this story I knew I was going to put Remus and Lily together, just because I always thought that Lily loved Remus. I dunno. I'm just weird. Then I was sitting here and thinking "Hmm, wouldn't it be angsty if James and Sirius got together?" I never considered the pairing before this fic, but don't worry. It won't last too long._

_**Moonlight (SSB): **I'm glad you like this! I was a bit worried about the reactions to the chapter because of the James/Sirius action, and I'm sure I'll get flames for this one, but I figured the hoTness cancels it out. I heart you!_

_**Autumn Thursday:** ::giggles:: Yeah, I had the same reaction when I was writing it. I just decided at the spur of the moment that I was going to throw Sirius and James together. I figured it would make for some good angst. Tee hee. Don't worry, there will be a happy.. erm.. ish ending. _

_**candycloudz13: **Aww.. You're making me blush! I can't believe I inspired someone! This is a record! Tee hee. Your reviews really made me smile!_

_**ganjalief: **It's always nice to convert someone. I got a few of my friends into WolfStar too. Just because it's so unbelievably hot. In this chapter you'll get to see Remus's reaction. I suppose I should really put more of Lily's in there. Hmm.. This will take some thinking upon._

_And thank you to: **goddess-of-the-sacred-river, YamikiofAnime, Riana Bay, Jillian, weiss kittyn**_

**Getting Over You: Nothing**

"_I wish that you could see the stranger next to me."_

_ Jimmy Eat World – Drugs Or Me_

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

****What was I doing? Why had I ever thought this was a good idea? I just couldn't be with her anymore. It was driving me insane.

Damn my conscience.

Damn Sirius.

Over the month and a half that I had been dating Lily I discovered something. God – if there was such a thing – truly hated me. Instead of getting myself over Sirius, I just seemed to be falling more in love with him. (Did I just say love?) Every time I saw him I just wished that I could be with him. I wished that it could be Sirius that I kissed good morning and night. Lily just wasn't for me.

I looked up from my Transfiguration homework to see Sirius flash his beautiful smile at James and Peter. They were sitting on the couch a few feet away from the loveseat I was sitting on with Lily, undoubtedly planning a prank. It seemed that I was getting farther away from my friends, especially Sirius, as they got closer. James and Sirius, previously best friends, seemed to be joined at the hip. They seemed to be more than brothers. They were acting like they were… I sighed and shook my head, turning back to my work.

"What's wrong, Remus?" Lily asked, startling me abruptly out of my thoughts.

"Nothing, why?" I replied, lifting my head to look at her. Her head was tilted slightly to the side, a sign that she was trying to figure something out. I didn't like the fact that the "something" was me.

"You've just been kinda weird this past week. Why don't you go hang out with your friends for a bit?" Lily gestured towards the rest of the Marauders sitting on the couch laughing. I studied her for a little bit as a smile grew over her face.

I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. "Thanks, Lils." With a grin I stood and walked over to my friend, just in time to see James and Sirius kiss. Deeply. Intimately.

I stopped in dead in my tracks at the sight of Sirius – my beautiful Sirius – kissing another guy. Kissing James. What had I done wrong? James and Sirius unlocked lips and smiled at each other happily. I took a step forward and smiled brightly – _all for show, it's all for show_ – and sat down on the coffee table in front of them.

"Okay, since when are my two best friends poofs?" I asked with a smile on my face.

Sirius laughed and linked hands with James. "Well, it's official today. James is my boyfriend."

"Wait, today? How long have you guys know? Have you been fooling around in the dorm?" I demanded with a laugh.

"A couple weeks, and no. Does it freak you out?" James asked, his voice filled with concern. I shook my head with a smile. James smiled back at me and I saw him squeeze Sirius's hand.

"You guys are bloody insane," Peter said suddenly, shaking his head. He stood up, collecting his parchment and putting in his bag. "I'm going up to bed. See you later."

"Goodnight, Peter," I said softly while James and Sirius simply glared.

"What's his deal, the bloody rat?" Sirius asked with vehemence.

"You know how Peter is, he just needs some time to adjust," I said, not looking directly at the two of them. Bloody hell! Sirius actually _liked_ guys? Why the FUCK hadn't he told me? To think, all this time we could have been together. But now I was with Lily and Sirius was with James. Bloody fucking hell.

"He's a bloody moron," Sirius said, talking over my silent thoughts. "He's been acting a bit dodgy lately, too. I saw him talking to Regulas the other day."

"So? Peter can do whatever the fuck he wants," I snapped, a bit surprised at my own reaction to his words. But something had just occurred to me. Maybe Sirius hadn't come out to me because he didn't want to be with me. Maybe he couldn't think he could trust me. He told James because he wanted to be with James, he could trust James. The thought that Sirius couldn't trust me enough to tell me something like this infuriated me.

"What's your problem, Remus?" Sirius asked, his voice laced with surprise. "What crawled up your ass and died?"

"I'm sick and tired of you acting like you're bloody king of the world!" I stood up, my voice rising, letting out all of my suppressed emotions into one ball of fury directed at Sirius. Who knew that being angry was so _easy_? "Not everyone has to approve of something just because you do it! You don't control everyone! And just for your information, acting like a complete prat is _not_ cool."

"Calm the fuck down, Rem, it's just a bit of fun. It's only Peter."

"_Only_ Peter?! Did you forget somewhere along the like that Peter is your friend?! I thought you were supposed to stand by your friends, not chase them away. You're so pathetic, Black!" I screamed at him, the first time I had ever raised my voice like that. "You think it's cool to put down your friends, but it's not! It's just bloody pathetic!" I could tell that all eyes in the common room were on us, but for once I really didn't care.

"Are you calling _me_ pathetic?" Sirius asked in a infuriatingly patient tone. For some reason, this just made me even more angry.

"Yes! You're the most pathetic person I have ever met! All you do with your life is prance around, playing pranks on people, acting like you're the bloody Minister of Magic! You're no one! **_No one, Black!_**"

"Fuck you, Remus! Why in bloody hell are you acting like this?"

"Because you're getting on my fucking nerves!" Sirius was now standing, facing me directly. His face was flushed with anger, and that just made him even more beautiful. I clenched my hands into fists against what I was feeling and held them tensely at my sides. I could _not_ feel this way about him.

"Guys, just calm down," James said softly, attempting to stop our fight.

"Stay out of this!" we both shouted, glaring at each other and not sparing him a glance.

"I'm not the pathetic one here, Remus," Sirius said, his voice soft and vindictive. "You're the one that always hides behind a mask. No one knows the real you. Not even me and James."

"Just because I don't like everyone to know everything about me-"

"You know want _anyone_ to know _anything_ about you! Not even the rest of the Marauders!" Sirius's voice was steadily rising again before he checked himself and lowered his voice again. "We're supposed to be like brothers, Remus. All you've done since we came back to school is create more distance between us."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Both of our voices were lowered to normal speaking level, but we still had the attention of most of the common room.

Sirius seemed to notice this as well. He sighed, running his hands through his hair, his hands shaky with anger. "Look, let's go up to the dorm, okay?"

I nodded abruptly and clenched my jaw when I saw Sirius brush his hand over James's shoulder he walked by him. I looked over at Lily, about to tell her that I'd talk to her later, when I saw the expression on her face. Was that… pity? Sudden understanding? What the fuck? I shook my head, shoving my hands in my pockets and walked slowly up the stairs, thinking about that look Lily had given me. What had that meant? I walked into the dorm with my head down and shut the door behind me.

"Rem, I don't know why you're acting like this-" Sirius began, but I quickly cut him off.

"Because you're a bloody dick."

Anger flashed into Sirius's eyes and I saw him try to control his anger. He took a few deep breaths before speaking again. "What's wrong, Rem?"

"With me? Nothing. Why would something be wrong? Life's peachy," I said, sarcasm dripping off my tongue. I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at him with narrowed eyes.

"I know that's not true," he said, taking a step towards me. "You've been acting off ever since we got back to school."

"So? What's your point?"

"My point is, Rem, that if something's wrong, you should just tell me."

"Why the hell would I tell you anything?" I pushed past him, pushing back the tears that threatened to move past my barriers of hate. I sat on my bed, glaring at him with my hands on the curtains. "You mean nothing to me." I snapped the curtains shut, blocking out Sirius and the rest of the world, and put a Silencing Charm around the bed. I crawled deep under the curtains, curling into a little ball and silently crying myself to sleep.

_**Sirius Black's PoV:**_

Long after Remus uttered those words with such loathing and hate I stood where I was, waiting for it to sink in. I walked slowly to my bed, barely noticing that Peter wasn't in his. I was finally beginning to realize what Remus had said. And I was starting to hurt.

_"You mean nothing to me."_

Bloody hell. Was that true? Did Remus really hate me that much? I sighed and dropped my head in my hands, wondering what the hell I could have done to make Remus feel this way about me. What had I done?

"Sirius? Remus?" James inquired from the other side of the door. "I'm coming in, so I hope you guys aren't fighting anymore." I looked up at him as he came in and looked around the room, his eyes falling first on Remus's closed curtains then on me. "What happened?"

"Nothing good," I said with a sigh and rubbed my hands over my face. "He hates me, James."

"That's not true. Why would Remus hate you?" James walked over to my bed and sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and I leaned against him.

"I have no bloody clue. Why is he acting like this? It's not like him. Something's wrong, James." I rested my head on his shoulder and felt his arm tighten around me.

"Do you think it might have something to do with us?"

"I don't know. He was fine and then he just…snapped." I sighed, wrapping my arm around his waist. "He's flipped on me for picking on Peter before, but never that bad. I'm telling you – _something's wrong_."

"I know, I know," James said as he ran his fingers through my hair. "He's been acting more subdued since we came back from vacation."

"He doesn't smile anymore," I said, my voice soft and I closed my eyes, relaxed and worried at the same time. "Did you notice that? He isn't happy. Even when he's with Evans. He's not the same person he used to be."

"Is that why you're with me?" I looked up at James in surprise. His face was filled with curiosity and patience. "I know you love him, Sirius, even if you haven't said it in so many words. Just as you know that I love Lily. Are we just trying to fool ourselves here?"

I looked at him for a few moments, letting everything he said register. Since when had James become so insightful? I shook my head and kissed him lightly on the lips and tightened my hold on him. "Do you not want to be with me?"

"I do!" James insisted and leaned his head down, his lips brushing against mine. His fingers ran lightly through my hair, sending shivers down my spine. He moved back an inch, his lips tantalizingly close. "I just wanted to make sure that you really want to be with me."

I smiled and kissed him lightly on the tip of his nose. "What's this? James Potter, insecure? I never thought I'd see the day." I laughed as James growled softly and bit gently on my ear.

"James, we were talking about Remus," I said, reluctantly pushing him away. "I really am worried about him."

"I know…" James brushed light kisses over my neck.

"His last transformation…" I started to say as I angled my neck to stop him, although I really didn't want him to. "His last transformation was really bad. He wouldn't stop hurting himself, even when we tried to stop him.

James sighed and finally drew back. "I didn't realize you were so worried. I'm sorry."

"It's all right, James." I rested my head on his shoulder. "We should go to sleep. Classes tomorrow."

"Right." James kissed me lightly on the lips, lingering there for a few moments. "Goodnight."

"Night, James." James got off my bed and slowly walked over to his, closing the curtains in front of him with a wink. I fell back on my bed, too lazy to draw back the curtains. I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep, my dreams filled with hectic visions of a wolf running terrified through the woods. Running from me.

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A/N: I hope you guys liked this chapter! As I said earlier, I was too anxious to wait for my beta, ((cough, RIANA BAY, cough)) so I apologize for any mistakes. Now, do you see that little button in the corner? The one that's screaming "CLICK ME, CLICK ME!"? That's the review button. It really wants you guys to click on it. You're so good to me!

_Rae_


	6. Self Hatred of a Montague

_Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Sorry. If it was, Sirius and Remus would be having lots of hot, sweaty sex. As much as possible. But they're not. And that makes me sad._

_Author's Note: Sorry about the wait. I was writing and writing and it was crap and it was crap and I kept writing and it wouldn't end and I just wanted it to die. So, this chapter was cut down a bit and I don't like the ending because I couldn't find a decent place to end it. Blerg. So, instead of blabbing on for another five pages (because it's already five pages long), I cut it. Oh, and just a warning – all angst. _

_**Ideal Menagerie:** You were my first review for the last chapter! LoL. Aw… ::giggles::_

_**Moonlight and Midnight (SSB):** Hey, if you thought the last chapter was full of eggs, wait until you read this one.. ::grins:: Oh, I love it._

_**weiss kittyn:** Aww… you compliment me so much! And I can't believe you just did the "sirius" thing… Me and my friends do that all the time. I'm waiting for me to write it in the middle of an essay and hand it in.. That would go over well with my English teacher. You make me so happy!_

_**EnchantedBlood:** I'm really glad you like this fic so much. It keeps getting harder, because you wanna make it good, but you get too into so you don't want to hurt the characters too much. I'm in the middle of writing and I find myself going "No, can't do that! That would be mean!" ::laughs:: I eventually just tell myself to suck it up because they aren't real. Much to my disappointment. _

_**ganjalief: **Sirius is perhaps the thickest person I have ever met/written about. That's what makes him so much fun. As to Remus being mad at him.. Well, you find out in this chapter, so it would be kinda useless to repeat myself._

_**candycloudz13:** LoL, I'm sorry you're getting so aggravated about James and Sirius, but don't worry. It'll all work out in the end. And there will be plenty of hot and steaminess between Remus and Sirius. Just because it's so much fun. And about that happiness.. Yeah, not an immediate thing. Sorry, but I'm obsessed with angst. I really feel bad for my fictional characters when I'm in a bad mood…_

_**moon maiden of time:** Sorry, but the current relationships are going to be staying that way for a bit. Not too long, but yeah… I definitely know which couple is going to break up first, because it makes more sense that way. After you read this chapter, I think you might have an idea. But the pairings are staying that way for at least one chapter after this one. I hope that doesn't discourage your reading…_

_**refallen:** I know, I know, the angst. And it doesn't improve any. You'll see. And Moony and Padfoot.. well, that relationship is still taking a bit to develop. Because I'm a suspense whore._

_**Riana Bay:** If you love the eggs, this chapter and the next will make you cream your panties. Cuz I'm a loser like that._

_**nerves n tea: **Hmm.. Remus is really hot, isn't he? He's my favorite. He's not really angry in this chapter, but in the next he's really emo, and emo Remus is almost as hot as angry Remus. I'll update as soon as I can! I hope this can hold you over in the mean time._

_And thank you to: **romulanbrood, Shounen-ai Senshi, Kavfh, Goddess of the sacred river, The Spaz, Hannio, driven to insanity, SiriusLupin, **and **Camilla**!! Thank you guys!_

**Getting Over You: Self Hatred of a Montague**

"But I love the way you roll excuses off the tip of your tongue 

_as I slowly fall apart."_

_ Taking Back Sunday – Great Romances of the 20th Century_

Sirius Black's PoV 

He really did hate me. There was no doubt about it. Remus J. Lupin hated me. He hadn't talked to me for _six days_. He sat with Lily in classes and talked to James and Peter during dinner. But he wouldn't even _look_ at me.

I was the bane of his very existence.

"Sirius! Snap out of it!" James shouted, snapping his fingers in my face. "I need your help here."

"Huh? Right. What?" I said, quite confused. "You were talking to me?"

"Yeah, Padfoot, I was trying to ask you something about Potions. I'm doing the essay about the Awareness Draught." James's quill was poised above his parchment, ready for me to give him the answer. "What's the purpose of the newt tails?"

"Damned if I know," I said, leaning back in the loveseat. "Extra special flavoring?"

James rolled his eyes and stuck the quill behind his ear, admitting defeat. He picked up the first Potions related book he saw and started leafing through the pages. "It always amazes me that you get top marks when you procrastinate more that I do."

"I work better under pressure." James snorted in response and tossed the book away. He picked up another one, searching through this one as well.

"Bloody hell, why can't I find the bloody newt tails? Where are they hiding?" he mumbled to himself and picked up another book.

"They activate the spice in the ginger root," a voice said from our right. Both of us turned our head to look at the speaker and James smiled in gratitude.

"Thanks, Moony. You're a lifesaver."

"Yeah, I know," he said with a faint smile on his lips. Then his amber eyes fell on me. All traces of that smile disappeared as he looked at him for the first time in days. His eyes flashed with an odd tinge of sadness before going carefully blank. He looked back down at his homework, once again pretending that I didn't exist. I sighed and leaned back into the loveseat, looking into the fire.

"Still not talking?" James asked. I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "What happened? What did he say to you?" I shook my head again unwilling to reveal the true _indifference_ Remus felt for me.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, my voice stiff and dismissive.

"But-"

"Leave it, James," I interrupted rudely, malice ripe in my voice. He closed his mouth with a snap and glared at me. "What?"

"Just because Remus is mad at you doesn't meant that you can be mean to me." He looked back down at his Potions essay, knowing that I was still looking at him.

I moved a little closer to him so I could lean my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, James, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just…" I sighed and lifted my head, looking back at the fire. "Well, you know."

"Yeah, I know," James said, a little smile on his face. He kissed my cheek and I smiled back. "Forgiven."

"Thank you." He smiled a little wider and went back to his work. I glanced over at Remus to see him look quickly away from my direction. Had he been staring at me? Yeah right. I looked back into the fire, losing myself in my thoughts.

Why was Remus so mad at me? Why did I suddenly mean nothing to him? _Why?!_

I sighed, running my hands over my face and stood up wearily. "I'm going up to bed, James. I'm wiped." I kissed him on the top of his head and ruffled his hear. "Night."

"Night, Sirius." I smiled a little at him, assuring him that I was fine and headed up to the dorm. I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling before I realized that there was no way I was getting to sleep with all these thoughts running rampant through my mind.

I jumped up, grabbing a pair of pajama pants and headed towards the shower. I stripped and got into the shower, turning the water on as hot as it could go, letting the pounding water sink into. I squirted the shampoo onto my hands and massaged it into my scalp. I closed my eyes to keep out the suds as I rinsed my hair.

I sighed, pushing the long black locks out of my face as I reached for my body wash and put some onto a washcloth. I washed my body, letting my thoughts flow.

Why was Remus being like this? It just didn't make sense. Remus didn't get mad and stay mad. Not like this. I still didn't fully understand why he was so mad at me. He said I was egotistical and a prat, but I had always been like that. I definitely hadn't changed over the summer. And it couldn't be because I was with James because he still talked to _him_. He just… hated me.

I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel to dry myself off. I glanced at my reflection in the slowly unfogging mirror. My hair was wet and messy from rubbing the towel over it. I pulled my pajama on, low on my hips, and ran my fingers through my hair.

I hated this reflection of myself. I despised this person I saw in the mirror. I was the poster boy for pureblood perfection. If I hadn't been so adamant to rebel against my parents and the entire Black legacy, I'd probably be in Slytherin, like my precious little brother. My mother had always said that I could rise to greatness, make a name for myself. Especially since I took after my beloved father.

_Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?_

Why was I this person? Why was I someone Remus could find it in himself to hate? Why was I a Black? Why couldn't I be noble and true, like Gryffidors were supposed to be? Why did I walk around with this stupid, arrogant façade? Why couldn't I be honest? Why couldn't I just be **_me?!_**

With a growl I smashed my fist into my hateful reflection, against the mirror, as hard as I could, breaking it into tiny pieces that flew in every direction. Trickles of blood fell down my arm and fingers and dripped onto the floor, creating red spots on the clean white tiles. My hand stung as I looked at it what an almost indifferent interest, delighted that I could do such harm to myself with such little effort. My knuckles were scrapped and cut harshly, little glistening pieces of the broken mirror stuck in them.

I saw these jagged pieces dig into me, felt my blood push past them, and I started laughing.

_**Remus Lupin's PoV**_

"Why don't you just talk to him?" Lily asked me, seeing my eyes follow Sirius out of the common room.

"Because. He's a dickhead," I said, my voice devoid of all emotion. I looked back down at my parchment, noticing that I had started sketching Sirius's face in the margin of my notes.

"I know you miss him," Lily said softly, running her hands through my hair. I sighed and tucked the parchment in one of my books spread across the table.

"He's not someone I can rely on. He's not a real friend." I looked up into Lily's striking green eyes, wishing I could tell her all of it. "Sirius isn't exactly the type of person I can expect to keep my secrets safe inside him. I don't know why I've been friends with him this long. It's just not worth it anymore."

"So this does go deeper than him being a dick to Peter?" I shrugged a little, not wanting to admit my vulnerability. "Remus," Lily said softly, "does this have to do with you being a werewolf?"

I jerked away from her, alarmed by her apparent indifference and… caring. "What are you talking about, Lily?" She just smiled and held my hand. "I'm not a werewolf."

"Remus, I'm not stupid. And I don't give a damn." Lily tightened her grip on my hand when I tried to jerk it away. "Remus, don't you understand? I love you."

My mouth fell open when she said those three words and I became completely still. She loved me? Lily smiled and little unsurely, and I could tell she was waiting for me to return her feelings. But… "Lily, you can't. You just… can't."

"Why not? Because you're a werewolf?" Lily laughed and kissed my cheek. "That is just a part of you. And I love all of you."

"But you… you can't love me." My head was swirling. Wasn't this what I had been waiting for my whole life? For someone to say those three simple words to me and mean it? Why did I feel like it was so impossible? "You can't."

"Remus, I do." I just shook my head and she stroked her hand over my cheek. "It's okay if you don't love me back. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I love you."

"Wait, anymore? How long have you loved me?" This was _insane_. Lily, the perfect girl, was telling me she loved me. And here I was, telling her that it just wasn't possible.

"A long time before we started going out," Lily said, kissing my cheek again.

"What? Why?" I was totally surprised. Me and Siri – and the rest of the Marauders just assumed that Lily secretly loved James and was just being stubborn. She loved _me_?

"If you can tag an explanation and a summary onto it, then it's not love," she replied with a smile. "But now we're totally off subject. We were talking about you and Sirius."

"I don't want to," I said stiffly and looked away from her. How could I tell her how he betrayed and hurt me? How could I tell her how I've never truly forgiven him and always expected him to repeat the incident? How could I tell her how he was the first person, I trusted and the first to betray me? How could I? I couldn't.

"The why don't you go talk to him?"

"Cause he's a prat."

"Does this have to do with him being with James?"

"What?" I asked, startled. "No. Why?"

"Because you stopped talking to him that night." Lily's eyes were filled with suspicion as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you sure you don't have a problem with they're relationship?"

"I'm positive." I sighed and leaned back in the couch. "Do you?"

Lily looked surprised for a second at the questioning being turned on her, but it quickly left her eyes. "Not really. I was a little taken back at first. I mean, think about it. The guy's going after me for years, and all of a sudden I see him snogging one of his guy friends. But I figured he probably got tired of waiting for something that was never going to happen. James found someone else to be with, and they're cute together." Lily laughed a bit at herself and smiled at me. "But don't tell them I said that."

"Of course," I said, smiling back. That was one thing I really liked about Lily – she could always make me smile.

"So, are you going to talk to him or what?" Lily demanded, taking me off guard. My smile quickly disappeared and I sighed, wishing she would just leave it alone, but knowing she wouldn't in a million years. She just didn't have it in her.

"Fine. I'll go talk to him. If I'm not back in an hour, it means I killed him and trying to dispose of the body in an inconspicuous manner." I stood as Lily smiled at me and fake growled at her before I made my way towards the dormitory. I saw James sitting with Peter, studiously doing his homework, and I figured he should know what was going on. I walked up to him, stopping right before him. "James."

He looked up, a frown on his brow before he smiled up at me. "Hey, Moony. What's up?"

"I – well, I'm going to talk to Sirius. Right now." I saw James's face go from cheerful to serious at my words. "I just wanted you to know so I could get some alone time with him. I'll come back down when we're done talking."

James nodded and watched me nervously run my hands through my hair. "Just… let him talk, okay? I know how stubborn you both can be."

I nodded and made my way upstairs, dreading facing Sirius more and more with each step. Finally I stood before the door to the seven-year boys dormitory, for the second time in my life wishing I could just go back. But I know this was the only way. I had to prove to myself that I wasn't a coward. I sighed and turned the knob, pushed the door open to see… nothing.

I looked around the dorm, still standing in the doorway, seeing no one in any of the beds. I couldn't tell if Sirius had been in his or not. As far as I could tell, it hadn't changed from it's haphazardly messy state it had been when Sirius left it this morning. "Sirius?" I said as I walked farther into the room. I heard a shower turn off in the bathroom adjacent to the dormitory and sighed. Found him.

I sat down on my bed, waiting for him to come out. I definitely did _not_ want to confront him while he was just wearing a towel. Well, I kind of did, but that wasn't the point. I started fidgeting with the bed curtains, becoming more nervous with every passing second. Suddenly, I heard a sound from the bathroom almost like breaking… glass…

I jumped up, the sound instilling fear in my heart. I ran towards the bathroom and opened the door, panic keeping me from going any further. Sirius was standing amidst broken glass in front of a mirror with jagged pieces remaining along the edges. He was staring at his slightly raised fist and… laughing.

_**XXXXXXX**_

_A/N: Sorry about the abrupt cut off, guys. I'll get out chapter seven as soon as possible, because it's really bothering me, as a matter of fact. I wanted to keep writing, but I thought you guys deserved an update. No, Sirius hasn't gone insane… He's just a little… Angsty right now. He'll get better. I think. His fate has yet to be determined!_

_Rae_


	7. Losing The Cover

_Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. HP isn't mine. Sirius isn't mine. James isn't mine. Lily isn't mine. Snape isn't mine. And, sadly, Remus isn't mine. But.. shh.. We're secretly married. _

_Author's Note: No thank you's this time, kiddies. Sorry. I'm banned from my computer at home so I can only get online at school and they won't let me get to my email. That makes me sad. :tear: I hope you like this chapter. I like most of you will be partially happy. Read on, my lovelies!_

**Chapter 7: Losing the Cover**

"_You're just like an angel._

_Your skin makes me cry._

_You float like a feather in a beautiful world._

_I wish I was special._

_You're so fucking special._

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._

_What the hell am I doing here?_

_I don't belong here."_

_ Radiohead - Creep_

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

"Sirius…" I said, my voice barely a whisper. He stopped laughing and looked up at me, confusion in his eyes. "Sirius… what happened? Why… What did you do?" Sirius just stood there staring at me, his eyes wide and fist clenched. I looked at his hand, at his arm, and saw the blood dripping off it and the glistening glass caught in his beautiful skin. "Oh my… Sirius, what did you do to yourself?"

Sirius finally looked away from me and down at his hand, as if seeing it for the first time. "Well, I guess I punched the mirror," he said, looking back up at me.

I shook my head and walked over to him, glass crunching under my feet. "Sirius, you're bleeding. A lot. You have to go see Madame Pomfrey." He just blinked at me, not registering anything that I was saying. He continued to look at me with that piercing gaze of his, not moving at all. "Or I could try to fix you up." With a flick of my wand the glass on the floor disappeared and I grabbed a washcloth from the sink. "I have to wash this blood off you," I said unnecessarily, a little uneasy under Sirius's steady gaze.

I gently took his arm and patted it carefully with the washcloth, trying to avoid digging glass into his skin. When I finally had most of the blood off, the washcloth was tinged a light red from Sirius's blood. I rinsed the washcloth off in the sink, Sirius's stillness scaring me. What was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this? He had only spoken once since he stopped laughing, and his voice had be so devoid of emotion he might as well have not been there at all. I looked back at him to see his eyes closed and both arms at his sides. I had never seen Sirius look so… _helpless_.

"Sirius, why don't you go sit on your bed? I'll be there in a minute." Sirius nodded and walked out of the bathroom slowly, letting his injured hand fall to his side. I finally let out my breath as he walked out and opened one of the cabinets. I finally found a pair of tweezers, hoping I could use those to get out the glass stuck in Sirius's hand. I found a bowl filled with potpourri – what house elf in their right mind would put potpourri in a boy's dormitory? – and dumped it into the trash, filling it with water and put the washcloth in it. I grabbed an empty soap dish to put the glass in. With a sigh I looked towards the dormitory and shook my head. This would prove interesting.

I walked into the dormitory, a fake smile on my face. Sirius looked up at me, tears in his eyes, as I sat on the bed next to him. I gently took his hand and patted the new blood off before I picked up the tweezers. "This might hurt, Sirius," I said, looking at him apologetically.

"Yeah, well, it's nothing I don't deserve," he replied ignoring my look.

"I – what do you mean?" I looked up at him, seeing his face turned away from me and out the window. He shrugged and closed his eyes. I looked back down at his hand, needing to keep my mind on the task at hand. With tweezers in hand, I carefully removed the pieces of glass with his hand, more of his blood seeping out of his skin and onto my hands with each minute that passed.

I got all the small pieces out, they were mostly sitting on the top, but some of the bigger and sharper pieces were imbedded deep in his skin. I hardly looked up at Sirius the entire time, not wanted to see his face, afraid that I was hurting him. "I'm so sorry, Remmy.."

I looked up from Sirius's hand at the familiar nickname to see his eyes filled with tears and his head bowed, evading my gaze. "Sorry? I don't – for what?

"For being such a terrible person. For being someone that you could hate. I'm just so sorry, Rem," he said, closing his eyes as if the pain was too much to bear. "I don't want you to hate me. I'm sorry for every terrible thing I've ever done in my life. I'm sorry that I told Snape last year, I'm sorry for picking on Pete, I'm sorry for not telling you about me and James straight off, I'm sorry for kissing you –" Sirius's voice cracked and two tears spilled down his cheeks.

"Sirius…" I said softly, gently wiping the tears off his perfectly chiseled cheeks and titled his head up with my index finger. His grey eyes met my amber ones with tears and hopelessness. "It's okay, Siri, I forgive you. For everything. It's not even your fault. I was being a prat."

"No, Remmy, it was all me." Sirius's voice was shaky and his lips trembled violently. How could I force Sirius – my love, my life, my savior – into such a state? _I _was the terrible person here, not him. "And now I've just made things worse by doing this." He lifted his hand a little to make his point, the glass remaining glittering in the little sunlight streaming through the window. "I don't even know why I'm here. My mother was always right. She should have killed me at birth."

My jaw dropped as Sirius lowered his eyes again, tears falling steadily from his stormy eyes. "I don't even know how you can say that, Siri…" I said with my voice soft and eyes on him. "If you weren't here, I'd probably be dead by now," I admitted and looked down at his hand again. I picked up the tweezers up and began to gently remove the rest of the glass.

I felt Sirius's eyes on me, but continued to concentrate on his hand. Within ten minutes I got the rest of the pieces out of his hand and brought it closer to the small bowl of water that I had. I carefully washed off his hand with the washcloth. I finished clearing off the blood and stood up abruptly.

"I'll be right back with some bandages," I mumbled as I walked away. I got into the bathroom and leaned against the wall, taking in a deep breath. This was so incredibly _insane_. Being so close to Sirius… I almost couldn't bear it. I had to put on the bandages and _get out_.

I frantically grabbed a few pieces of gauze and walked out to the dorm. I glanced at Sirius for a moment before sitting on the bed, as far away from him as I could. Why did he have to look so vulnerable? It just made me want to hold him close to me, to try to make everything better.

But that wasn't my job.

I wrapped Sirius's hand tightly with the gauze, trying to concentrate on only his hand. His breath feathered lightly over the top of my head, sending delightful shivers down my spin. I let my breath out slowly, wishing I had just stayed downstairs with Lily. I finished wrapping his hand and stood up, looking at the floor.

"That should do," I said as Sirius flexed his hand. "There's more bandages in the bathroom if you need to change it." Sirius nodded, looking down at his hand silently. I stood there for a few seconds, unsure of what to do or say. I sighed and turned around, walking towards the door.

"Thank you, Remus," Sirius said softly, stopping me with my hand on the doorknob. I nodded a little and turned the knob before Sirius spoke again. "Why won't you look at me? Do I sicken you, Remus? Am I too disgusting for your wolf eyes?"

I sighed and turned back around, my eyes purposefully lowered. "Quite the opposite, Siri. Too beautiful for my cursed eyes. Too perfect and beautiful." I turned back towards the door and opened it, shocked at my own words. What would he think?

I ran my hands through my hair as I walked down the steps into the common room. Lily was now sitting on the couch next to James, laughing at something he said. My stomach lurched guiltily at the sight of them. What was I doing? How stupid was I? Couldn't I tell that they belonged together?

Lily and James.

It was _always_ supposed to be like that.

I walked towards them, my face empty of emotion. "Hey James, Lils," I said, smiling a little when she looked up.

"Hey, Rem," she said with a grin and held my hand loosely. "How'd it go?"

"I'm not sure," I answered truthfully and pulled her into a stand position. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," she said brightly and threw at smile at James. "Sorry, Jamesie, girlfriend duties." My face paled a bit as I took her with me to the other side of the common room. "What's up, Remus?"

"You're going to hate me," I said softly, reluctantly looking in her curious, and now nervous, green eyes. "You're _really_ going to hate me."

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked, her voice nervous, letting go of my hand. "Did you do something to Sirius? Did you hurt him?"

"Sirius? No, he's fine." I shook my head and ran my hand through my already tousled blonde hair. "I just… I realized something. This – this isn't right, Lily. Us. You and me. It's not right."

"Right…? I don't understand," Lily said slowly, shaking her head and taking a step away from me. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"I'm sorry, Lily, but… yes." I watched, helpless, as Lily's eyes filled with tears that reflected brightly in the soft light.

"What happened up there? With Sirius? What happened?" Lily clasped her hands tightly in front of her and looked down.

"This has nothing to do with Sirius. Nothing happened." I sighed and looked away, wishing it was all over. "It's just that when I saw you and James sitting there, talking, laughing, I realized something." I looked back up at her, my eyes sad and regretful. "You don't love me."

"What are you talking about? I just told you –"

"You told me what you _want_ to feel, not what you _really_ feel. You love James." Lily's jaw dropped and she shook her head. "You do, Lily, you love him. You just want to love me because I'm everything James isn't."

"This is just your way to distance yourself, Remus." Lily took a step towards me and rested her hands lightly on my chest. "This is just your way to keep yourself in the shadows, away from everyone else."

My face paled at her words and a stumbled back a half step, stunned to hear those words, echoes of Sirius's. Was I really like that? Did I just want to keep myself away from everyone? Did I just want to be _alone_?

"I love you, Remus, you have to believe that," she whispered softly, kissing me lightly on the cheek.

"Lily, you can't love me," I said, holding her wrists and pushing her back. "Think of who I am, think of _what_ I am."

"I don't care, Remus! Its just part of who you are. I told you that."

"You don't know what it means, Lily. To be a werewolf. To be forever alone –"

"It doesn't have to be that way! You don't have to be alone. You can be with me." Lily took a tentative step towards me as I took one back. Why didn't she just _understand_! "I love you, Remus, I really do."

"It doesn't matter! I can't do this to you, Lily. I can't let you do this to yourself." I sighed and tore my eyes away from hers, unable to look at her tortured, tear stained face any longer. "You don't understand what it means to be a werewolf. It's not just the transforming, there's more to it than that."

"Then tell me, help me to understand. I love you, Re-"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" I yelled, my patience at its end. The few people left in the common room turned to look at us, including James. I lowered my voice and rested my hands gently on her cheeks, looking in her eyes. "You don't love me, you can't love me."

"You keep saying that. Why? Why can't I love you?" Lily's emerald eyes were streaming with tears, her auburn hair falling in wild curls around distraught features etched perfectly on porcelain skin. I don't think she ever looked more beautiful. "Why do you seem to think it's so impossible?"

"No one wants to love a werewolf, Lils. Not for long," I said with a wry smile. I kissed her lightly on the forehead, secretly wishing that this could be, that Lily could be my one and only, my mate. "It's just part of the curse."

I turned around and walked away from her, away from her heart breaking sobs, trying to find some escape. I walked through the portrait of the Fat Lady, out of the common room, and into the silent halls of Hogwarts. I needed to paint.

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_A/N: What do you guys think? I hope you liked it.. I thought the end was kinda bad, but meh. Next chapter might be getting a little risque, but not too bad. You know you guys love me. At least I hope you do…_

_Rae_


	8. I'll Be Fine

_Disclaimer: I didn't do it this time, I swear! Dammit._

_A/N: AHHH! I'm so sorry that I took so long to get this up, guys. I was just.. argh. It wasn't flowing right. I mean, I was able to write a one shot and start on another, I just couldn't get this one going. :sob: I was so upset that I couldn't write this up. I had writer's block, but just for this story. It made me so mad! I was ready to shoot myself. But, well, finally it's up and I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long. That's why no thank you's this time. I figured it'll take me another three years to do them because I have to think to accomplish that task. This right here, this isn't thinking. This is rambling. And I'm sorry for that. You just want to read on with the story and I'm sure you guys have decided to stop reading this by now and have finished the chapter. :sob: I'M SO SORRY:hits head against wall: But in the mean time, happy reading! And thank you so much for all your reviews!_

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**Chapter 8: I'll Be Fine**

"_The heart may freeze or it can burn._

_The pain will ease if I can learn._

_There is no future, there is no past._

_I live this moment as my last._

_There's only us,_

_there's only this._

_Forget regret or life is yours to miss._

_No other road._

_No other way._

_No day but today._

_Rent (Another Day)_

**Sirius Black's PoV:**

I moaned as I felt the sunlight slant across my eyes, waking me abruptly. I rolled over, burying my face in the pillows. I lay like that for a few minutes before I realized that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep. Sitting up, I ran my hands through my hair, only to be greeted with a sharp pain in my hand.

"Bloody hell," I muttered to myself, looking quizzically at the bandaged wound.

"Be careful with that hand or it won't heal properly," someone said from the other side of the room. I looked up to see Remus sitting on his bed, looking down at a piece of parchment. The sight of the werewolf brought the happenings of the previous night into his mind.

"Shit. I totally forgot." I looked out the window to see the sun high in the sky, indicating that it was well past noon. "What time is it?"

"Three-ish," Remus replied, not looking up from his parchment. "James brought up some sandwiches for you earlier but didn't want to wake you up. He's in the common room with Lily if you want to talk to him."

I looked at my nightstand and grabbed one of the sandwiches off the plate sitting there. "With Lily?" Remus nodded and wiped his hands on a towel, leaving dark streaks. What was he doing over there? "Why aren't you with her?"

"I broke up with her last night not long after she confessed her undying love for me," he said dryly and shook his head. "I admit, I haven't exactly got the best timing."

"Last night?" I asked around a bite of my sandwich. "But you didn't say anything when you came up here."

"Because I didn't break up with her until afterwards."

I looked at him, slowly chewing, and thought about what had happened the previous night. And I remembered what he had said to me as he left the room.

_Too beautiful for my cursed eyes. Too perfect and beautiful._

What had he meant by that? And afterwards, breaking up with Lily… That couldn't be a coincidence, could it? No, it wasn't because of me. It couldn't be. But last night…

"Voila!" Remus exclaimed from the other side of the room and looked at me with a triumphant smile that held something hidden around the edges. "It's finally finished. I hope you won't be mad at me for it."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to get a look at whatever was on his lap. "What have you finished?"

"It's just a little project I had been working on for a bit. It's not exactly the best piece I've got, considering this is the first time I've used pastels." Before I could ask anything else he held up a canvas and showed me the picture.

I, Sirius Black, was left speechless.

Somehow, using paper and pastels, Remus had captured us on paper. The four of us. The Maruaders. We were sitting under our tree out on the grounds and everything was green. It looked like the beginning of spring when the flowers hadn't yet begun to bloom. Little buds could be seen on the tree if you looked carefully enough. James's hand was in the air, about to ruffle that messy hair of his. He was grinning and his eyes sparkled with easy laughter. Peter was laughing with him and Remus found a way to bring him out, make him appear more charming and less vulnerable. Remus showed him smiling up James, a hint of hero worship in his eyes.

Then there was me. Merlin, did I really look like that? My hair was falling into my eyes and I was smirking devilishly. In my eyes you could see the mischief that never really left them and my one hand was on Peter's shoulder. I was looking back over my shoulder at Remus who sat a little away from the group.

Remus had a book in his lap and a soft smile on his lips. He watched over the three of us as if he was a father watching over his children. The tie on his uniform was undone and the first three buttons were left open. If you looked closely enough, you could see light scars on his revealed chest. He was leaning his back against the tree and looked relaxed, but an outsider.

"Bloody hell, Remmy, this is amazing," I finally managed to say, my breath quiet and filled with reverence. "This is the best piece of artwork I have ever seen. I didn't know you were an artist."

Remus shrugged and put the picture back down on his bed. "Yeah, I do sketches off and on, mostly in the Library. Most of them are unfinished, though. I never have the time to paint them, that's why I did this in pastels. It's a little messier, but I can do that right in the dorms instead of having to sneak out in the middle of the night and worry about getting caught."

I smirked, thinking how funny it would look, seeing Remus getting in trouble without me or James having anything to do with it. As far as I knew, it had never happened before. "Why didn't you tell any of us about it? You've got some major talent, buddy."

Remus shrugged again and ran his hands through his hair. I smiled, watching the light play on the natural highlights in his beautiful hair. I wanted to run my hands through it, to feel the soft strands fall through my fingers. I wanted to press my lips lightly to his temples and carress his flawless skin with my lips. Maybe if I kissed him enough, if my love went through our bodies, all his scars would disappear and he wouldn't feel so insecure. Maybe if I ran my fingertips over his body he wouldn't feel so lost, so lonely. Maybe if my lips left traces over his chest his heart would pump new blood into his body and he wouldn't be cursed and in pain anymore. Maybe –

"Sirius!" Remus suddenly said, abruptly breaking my thoughts. "Are you okay? You look flushed. Do you think you might have a fever? Do you think your hand might be infected?"

"Huh?" I replied, blinking blankly at him. All I could think of was kissing those pouty lips of his, running my hands over his scarred body. Remus walked over to me, a worried look on his face, and pressed his forearm lightly to my forehead.

"You feel a little hot. Are you feeling all right?"

The closeness of Remus's body snapped me suddenly back into reality. I leaned back a little, trying to put some distance between me and my friend. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a shower."

Remus seemed satisfied with this and stepped back as I stood up. "I'm gonna stay up here. I don't want to go down to the common room in case, you know, Lily is still there or something." I nodded and quickly headed towards the bathroom, leaving Remus as quickly as I could.

**Remus's PoV:**

I sat there, staring at the bathroom door, a worried look on my face. Was he really all right? I was a little incredulous of my healing skills and I wasn't sure if I cleaned his wound properly. Falling back in my bed with a sigh, I looked up at the ceiling and replayed what had happened last night over in my head, just like I had done thousands of times already.

When I left the Tower I went to my room to pain, but Dumbledore had been there waiting for me. Merlin, that man was intriguing. Yeah, I hadn't expected to be able to get away with sneaking away, but I didn't think my art room would be discovered. I saw him standing there, looking over my art and stroking his beard. I could have sworn that my heart had leapt out of my chest.

"_Good evening, Mr. Lupin," he said softly, not looking up at me. "I had a feeling that you would be coming here tonight."_

"_Yes, sir," I said feebly, still wary of him. Would I get into trouble? Would my Prefect badge be taken away?_

"_I see that you're a bit of an artist," he said as he looked up at me. I nodded and a smile grew over Dumbledore's face. He looked back down, his eyes flickering between two canvases. "A fantastic one, even." I felt my face heat up at the compliment, still speechless. "However, we can't have you sneaking out like this. You might get caught."_

"_Sir?" I said inquisitively. Dumbledore looked up at me and winked. He picked up a canvas delicately and turned it so it would be facing me. It was one of the few pieces I had done in watercolors. I didn't really trust the unreliability of watercolors and rarely used them. But they seemed to suit this painting._

_It was of Hogwarts with a morning sky in the background. The sun was beginning to rise and the warm colors in the sky mixed together elegantly. The school seemed to be floating on the morning fog, separate from the rest of the area. The forest and ground were all dulled, pulling out the brilliance of Hogwarts._

"_I was wondering," Dumbledore said, looking at the painting again, "if I would be able to keep this piece. I believe you captured Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with the right amount of mysticism and reality."_

"_Of course, Headmaster," I said hurriedly. My face was probably a mortifying shade of red by this time._

"_Thank you, Mr. Lupin," he said. He bent over to pick something up from the floor and handed the box to me. "Here's your payment. In the mean time, it might be a good idea to get back to your dormitory before someone discovers that there is a student out of bed."_

_I stuttered my thanks and ran out the door all the way to Gryffindor Tower. Once there, I opened the box to find the pastels. Grateful, I immediately began to work with them._

I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. I suppose Dumbledore was trying to tell me that I should try to keep fewer secrets. Or something. I stood and pulled my pastel stained shirt over my head. I unbuttoned my pants and let them fall to the floor, kicking them out of the way. I was feeling way too lazy to put them away properly, a rare occurrence for me. I just didn't have that much energy in me, especially after the sleepless night. Sirius would probably want to go into Hogsmeade and if James was still consoling Lily I'd have to go with him.

Not like it was a chore or anything, I just didn't have the energy to deal with an exuberant Padfoot after what had happened last night.

I shook my head as I looked for clothes in my trunk. Only now was a properly starting to feel bad for what I had done to Lily. I didn't suddenly believe her or anything, but she believed herself and that would leave her hurting for awhile. I straightened with a new pair of pants in my hand and a scowl on my face.

Merlin, I hated myself.

I truly was a wretched being. I was in love with my best friend, so I went out with my other friend's crush of seven years to get over that. Then my friends starting going out and I didn't talk to the one for the entire time. When I finally do, I discover I'm still in love with him and break up with my girlfriend.

"I'm a bastard," I muttered to myself and blew out a breath.

"Why would you say that?" Sirius said from the bathroom doorway. I jumped a little at the sound of his voice and looked over at him only to quickly look away. He was standing in the doorway, the steam creeping out behind him, his boxers low on his hips.

I pulled on my pants, trying to cover up some. My scars still made me extremely insecure, especially the one high on my thigh. The one where I had been bitten. "But I am. Come one, I broke up with Lily right after she told me she loved me. I think that's an essential bastard quality."

Sirius laughed and walked over to his trunk. "That sounds like something I would do." He smirked at me before he started rummaging through his trunk for some clothes. "You just might me turning into me, Moony dear."

"Oh, that wouldn't do," I said as I sat down on my bed, smirking as Sirius looked up at me. "One Sirius Black is enough in this world."

After looking at me for a second he laughed and shook his head. He pulled his pants up and zippered them with a wince. "Shit, who'dve known that breaking a mirror would hurt so much." He lifted up his hands and studied for a second, having taken off the bandages I had applied last night so he could take a shower. The wound looked even uglier in the daylight than it had fresh. "Let me see," I said, holding out my hand for his.

"It's fine," he said and turned to look in his trunk for a shirt.

"Don't be a jackass." I grabbed his hand, trying to be as gentle as possible. Sirius yelped and tried to pull away. "Calm down, you prat. I'm just trying to see how bad it is."

"Didn't I tell you that it's fine?" he said, trying to pull his hand away. I just held onto him and looked at it closely.

"You really pulled a number on yourself, didn't you?" I looked into his astonished eyes as I dropped his hand. "I'll rebandage it for you."

"No, it's fine, don't worry about it," he said hurriedly, the surprise open in his eyes. I shook my head and walked away from him, ignoring his protests. I rummaged through the medicine cabinets, trying to remember where I had left the gauze the night before. I glanced in the mirror – a new one, somewhere – and did a double take.

Shit.

The scars that covered my body were clearly visible in the light. The sight of them repulsed me, make me ill. All they did was remind me of the horror that hid inside of me. How could Sirius stand to see that? How did he not shrink away, sickened and disgusted by the sight of me? I ran my fingertip lightly down one scar that spanned from the top of my rib cage to my hips. The first time I had transformed I had given myself that scar, beating against the walls of the small cage that I had been forced into by my father.

I quickly opened the cabinet, not wanting to go back to that time of rejection and hate. It didn't matter anyway. Everything was different now. I had people who accepted me, people who weren't afraid to stand up for me if I needed them to. I knew that I would always have the Marauders, no matter what happened.

Grabbing the gauze, I slowly shut the cabinet, looking at my reflection again. Yes, I'd always have the Marauders, but would I ever find someone else? Would I ever find that one person that I could spend the rest of my life with? I couldn't lie to myself anymore. The only person I could see myself growing old with was… Sirius.

Sirius with his cocky grin and mischievous smirk. Sirius with his storm cloud eyes and lightening stares. Sirius with his barking laugh and comforting arms. Sirius with his… boyfriend.

I rested my head against the cool glass of the mirror as the full severity of my situation hit me. How the hell was I supposed to deal with this? Talk about taking teenage angst to a new level. Sirius was just so amazingly perfect for me. And so amazingly out of my league. Squeezing my eyes shut, I held back the tears that wanted to come out.

"Remus?" I heard Sirius say from the other room. "Are you all right in there?"

"Yeah, Siri," I said, taking a deep breath. Stepping back from the mirror, I shook my head. "I'm fine." _Or, I will be._

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_A/N: Once again, I'm really sorry about the delay. And I realize the chapter kinda sucks. I'll get the next one out as soon as I can. Now that I'm in the last week of school, it'll be easier for me to get on the computer and do some serious writing. Please review, they might just motivate me some. I love you guys!_

_Rae_


	9. Realization

**A/N: **Yes! Rachael is finally updating! Sorry that I'm taking so long with these updates. I think that I write more when I actually have other stuff to do. I just… can't manage to write during the summer. I'm so sorry! Thank you everyone who is patient enough to stick around and still read this story. Hopefully, the next chapter won't take as long. I'll be back in school soon. I'm kinda happy about. It's my senior year. Then I'll be off to college! Hell yeah. But, that's not the point. Oh, by the way, the little thingy below is mine. Take that I'm not going to go back and take the other lyrics off, but I won't use new ones. It won't be too much longer before Sirius and Remus are together, so just hold on!

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**Chapter 9: Realization**

_When I saw your smile, I thought it was for someone else._

_When I heard your laugh, I thought it couldn't be for me._

_When I felt your soft caress, I thought I was mistaken._

_When I kissed your sweet lips, I thought I had stolen something._

_But when I looked into your eyes, I realized... it was all for me._

**Sirius Black's PoV:**

This felt so good.

The Marauders were together for the first time in months, walking down the streets of Hogsmeade and reeking havoc. Well, planning it anyway.

"Dungbomgs, dungbombs…" Peter murmured as he scanned through the shelves at Zonko's. "I hate it when they move the store around. I can never find anything."

"They're right in front of your face, Wormtail," I said as I reached in front of him and grabbed a pack. As I handed it to him I smiled and rolled my eyes. "If it was a basilisk it would have jumped out and bit ya."

"What's a basilisk?" he asked, his watery eyes questioning.

Before I could say anything, Remus came over and rested his hand on Peter's shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Peter, Sirius is just being a prat," he said calmly and smiled at me. I felt my heart jump at the sight of that smile and I told myself it was only because I hadn't had that smile directed towards me in months, but I knew I was lying to myself.

"Yeah, well, what can I say? It's who I am," I replied with a shrug, outwardly calm.

"And we wouldn't want you any other way," James said as he threw his arm around my shoulders. His lips brushed lightly over my temple, sending shivers down my spin. I looked up at my boyfriend, smiling at the playful light in his eyes. "Besides, an entirely nice Sirius would be a little weird."

"You're right, I don't know if I could deal with that," Remus said, turning away to look at the shelf behind us. But not before I saw something flash across his face, something that looked like jealousy. He picked up a box of Jumbo Dungbombs and read the back of it. "Hey, these ones last for four hours, Peter. Think we should try these out?"

Peter's face brightened as he grabbed the box out of Remus's hands. "Yeah, that's awesome. We should stock up, right guys?" He sent a look in our direction, seeking approval.

James laughed and ruffled Peter's hair like one would a puppy that just learned how to sit. "Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me." Peter grinned and loaded his arms with the merchandise and headed off to the register. James watched him with an indulgent smile on his lips. "I'm glad you came today, Remus."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because you just have such a calming effect on everybody," James replied. Both Remus and I looked up at him inquisitively. "Well, you do. I don't think you've ever realized it, but you just bring peace with out wherever you go. All you have to do is look at someone and they just feel as if everything will be all right."

"I – I – well, I don't – well, thanks, James," Remus finally stuttered out, not prepared for the compliment. His face turned pink from embarrassment and he looked down at his feet.

"Anytime, buddy. I'm gonna help Peter over there, then we gotta go run a few errands. Christmas is right around the corner," he said with a wink. He kissed me tenderly on the lips, making me blush, and walked up to Peter. "Three Broomsticks, two o'clock, kids. Stay out of trouble." With a wave, James and Peter disappeared out the door of Zonko's, leaving me with Remus.

Oh, no.

"Well, where did you want to go?" I said hesitantly to Remus, walking slowly out of the store. I suddenly felt tense and unsure of what to do with my hands. First I put them in my pockets, then I let them hang at my sides.

"I wanted to pick up a few books…" Remus said, letting his words trail off, knowing my loathing for bookstores.

"That's cool," I replied, jumping at the chance to be in a place that didn't require much talk. Remus glanced a suspicious look at me and I shrugged in reply. "Maybe being surrounded by all those books will increase my intelligence."

"We can only hope," he replied dryly.

I gasped dramatically and put a hand over my heart. "I'm sorry, Moony, but I think I was just insulted."

Remus smirked at me as he opened the door to the bookshop. "You were." I quickly caught the door before it closed and entered the store after him. I walked up behind Remus and whispered in his ear, "What are you here for anyway?"

"A book," he said evasively, "now hush, this is a bookstore. Silence is golden."

"And boring," I muttered, but decided to leave him alone and browse through the shelves on my own. I hadn't ever been in this store before, I hadn't even caught the name before we walked in. All the books were dusty and old, many of the titles in Old English. My eyes scanned the titles, letting my mind wander.

What was this feeling that was hidden inside of me, waiting to burst out? I slid my eyes over to Remus, watching his fingers run elegantly over the spins of ancient books. I thought of how those fingers would feel gliding across my naked chest followed by subtly curved lips. Light filtered in through the windows and shone delicately on his hair, bringing out the red highlights in his sandy hair.

I watched as my friend's brow furrowed in concentration and he pulled a book off the shelf. He started to thumb through the pages, his fingers tracing the words on the pages. He closed the book with a sigh and ran his free hand through his hair. I walked over to him, slowly, my footsteps feeling heavy. Remus looked up at me and smiled a little.

"Hey, Siri, I think I've got everything I need. I could only find this book," he said, looking a little defeated. When I didn't answer him, his lips frowned in concern. "Are you okay, Siri?"

"Just wonderful," I replied, lifting my hand and running my fingers lightly through his hair. Remus looked at me, surprised at my actions, and before I knew what I was doing, I had leaned towards him and captured his lips in mine.

It was funny how I didn't realize how cold and hungry I was until my lips met Remus'. My entire body felt warm and for the first time in my life, I felt like a real person. Standing in this dusty bookstore I found the one thing that I needed in my life, the one thing that could make all the pain and suffering go away with just one meeting of lips.

Remus.

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

I wanted this to go on forever.

I wanted this kiss to never end, for us to stay in this place until the end of time.

I wanted this feeling of completion, of _right_ to never end.

Sirius pulled back hesitantly and framed my face in his hands. I kept my eyes closed, afraid of what they might reveal. I felt his breath lightly on my face and his thumbs gently massaging the back of my neck. Our lips met again, less hesitantly this time, and my arms wound around his waist. The book I had been holding dropped to the floor with a thud and we both ignored it. I rose on my toes to get closer to him, hoping to become one with him.

His lips left mine and left tickling trails across my face.

"Merlin, Rem…" he muttered breathlessly.

I gulped in air and was about to reply when I suddenly realized what we were doing. I took a step back and dropped my hands to my sides, taking slow breaths. "Sirius, we can't do this," I said softly, finally opening my eyes. He looked at me skeptically and took half a step towards me. I shook my head and pushed his hands off me.

"But, Remmy, why?"

I shook my head and took another step away from him. "Think, Sirius, _think_. You have a boyfriend. Who just happens to be one of my best friends." I saw realization dawn on his face before he buried it in his hands. "It's best that we just forget about this, just forget that it happened."

I walked past him and picked up the book that I had dropped. Before I could walk over to the register, Sirius caught my arm and turned me around to face him. "Is it really that easy for you," he said, looking at me with wounded eyes.

I shrugged him off and turned away. "It has to be."

_**Sirius Black's PoV:**_

He made it look so easy.

While every bone in my body was tense, he was acting as if nothing had ever happened between us. He was laughing with James, flirting with Madam Rosmerta, and patiently dealing with Peter's clumsy socializing. Just like always.

"Sirius, are you okay," James asked softly, brushing my hair back from my forehead. I jerked out of my silent reverie. I smiled a bit and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"Because you're awfully quiet. I'd think that you'd be a bit more obnoxious since all the Marauders are together."

"I'm just thinking," I answered vaguely.

James smirked and looked skeptically at me. "Right. Thinking. What could you possibly be thinking about, Pads?"

The soft meeting of lips. Remus' hair running through my fingers. "What to get you for Christmas," I lied smoothly. "Normally you're easy to shop for, but then I was buying for my best mate. Now it's for my boyfriend."

James blinked for a minute and then a warm smile grew slowly over his face. He kissed me softly on the lips. Then, resting his forehead on mine, he said in a tender voice, "Do you realize how sweet that was?"

I smiled and kissed him playfully on the nose. "I think that's the first time anyone has ever told me something like that." A ball of guilt was beginning to form in my gut, unwelcome and uncomfortable. I didn't like lying to James, but I couldn't tell him what was really on my mind. I struggled to keep a smile on my face as I turned back to our friends. I thought I caught a flash of something in Remus' eyes, but it was gone before I could decipher it.

"Do you guys ever stop?" he asked with a smirk. Peter looked down into his butterbeer, still a little uneasy around me and James.

"Nope," James replied easily as he threw his arm around my shoulders. I rolled my eyes in reply and took a sip from my butterbeer.

As I put down the bottle, my eyes met Remus'. And froze. Electricity sizzled through the air as our eyes refused to leave each other. Delicious chills ran up and down my spine. I don't know how long we stayed like that – grey meeting amber.

Beside me, James laughed loudly and Remus looked away to laugh along with him.

My pulse still jumping, I smiled shakily and drained the rest of my drink. Sneaking a look at Remus, I saw him run a hand through his hair, something he only did when he was restless and nervous.

How in bloody hell were we going to deal with this?

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**A/N:** Another chapter over and done with. I know, it's kinda short and bad, but the next one'll be better. Hopefully. Hang in there, guys. I LOVE YOU ALL!


	10. Free

_Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. So don't sue me, you dumbass._

**A/N: **Well, this update has certainly taken me long enough. I just want to thank those of you who have sent me reviews, telling me to get a move on just write the damn fanfic.

Getting Over You: Free 

"_Don't be scared._

_Don't believe you're all alone."_

_Andrew Bird – Don't Be Scared_

_**Remus Lupin's PoV:**_

"Happy Christmas!"

I grunted in reply, the abrupt awakening unwelcome. Christmas was not one of my favorite holidays. It involved too much family at once, too many secrets to hide.

"Get up, Remmy. Come on!" the voice insisted again, this time accompanied by a sharp prod in the ribs. "We've been waiting forever!" I cautiously opened my eyes to see Sirius's head framed by the light coming through the window, creating a halo effect. Angel my ass. I made some sort of unintelligible noise and sat up, pushing my hair out of my face. "Yes!" Sirius declared triumphantly, a huge grin on his face. "Present time!"

He bounded off my bed and pulled on my arm, trying to drag me out of it. "Let go, for Merlin's sake. I'm up," I mumbled grumpily. "We go through this every Christmas."

"Yeah, you think you'd be used to it by now." Sirius leaned patiently on the wall near the door leading out of the dormitory. James and Peter would be waiting in the common room, having already collected the group's presents. It was a well loved tradition, established over their previous years at Hogwarts. I threw a smile in his direction before I closed my eyes to stretch.

"Is anyone else downstairs?"

"No. Just the Marauders. Everyone else has been up for hours," he said with jealousy laced in his voice. I opened my eyes, laughing at him until I saw his eyes. He was looking at me with such warmth and adoration that I just wanted to be enclosed in his arms, to feel them encircling me and keeping me safe. "You're beautiful."

"Sirius, you can't mean that."

Sirius straightened and took a step towards me. I took one back and felt the bed behind me. Although he was few feet away, I still felt trapped. "I do mean it. Remus, you have no idea how amazingly stunning you are."

"No, you can't mean that," I replied with insistence, shaking my head. "You have a boyfriend, Sirius. James."

"I know I do," he said as he took slow and deliberate steps towards me, giving me the feeling of calculating entrapment despite the gentle look on his face. "That doesn't mean that I can't dream. That doesn't mean I can't remember what it felt like to have you in my arms, to have your lips pressed against mine. That doesn't mean that every night when you're sleeping a bed away from me that my entire body aches from wanting to climb into bed next to you, knowing that it's not possible."

Sirius stopped in front of me, his body inches away from mine. He lifted his hand and ran it gently across my hair. I clenched my fists at my side, afraid of what I might do with them and closed my eyes tightly, afraid of what he might see in them. "Sirius.." I said, ashamed to hear my voice come out husky and needy.

A tense few seconds went by as Sirius remained where he was before he stepped back with a sigh. I opened my eyes to see his back to me, his shoulders uncharacteristically hunched. He looked small and weak, and it made me want to take him and hold him in my arms. Instead I went to my dresser and got a t-shirt out. As I slipped it over my head with my back to him, I thought I heard a soft noise. "What?" I asked as I turned around, seeing that his back was still towards me.

"I – I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I shouldn't be doing this, saying those kinds of things to you while I'm with James but I can't seem to stop myself. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you." He sighed and squared his shoulders. Looking over his shoulder, he smiled at me as if nothing had passed between us. "Now hurry up, I'm sure the guys are getting impatient."

He bounded out the door like an eager child, running down the steps. I shook my head and closed the door behind me. As much as I loved him, I had a feeling there would never be the day that I could understand Sirius.

_**Sirius Black's PoV**_

Why did I do this kind of shit to myself? Was I really, in some sort of subconscious way, a true masochist? Did I enjoy pain? With a sigh, I thought about Remus. He had looked a little detached and sad earlier, which wasn't abnormal for him around the holidays. He always seemed to get the Christmas blues, and it was the Marauders' job to cheer him up.

Well, I had really always done the cheering up. But this year was different. Things were just so awkward between us. To be honest, I was the one making it awkward. Whenever I came within four feet of him I would just be overcome with how much I wanted him. I couldn't stop bringing back the memory of that day in the book shop, no matter how hard I tried.

And Remus seemed to have no problem forgetting. Until I brought it up. He acted like his normal self. He was cool, collected, and gentle.

By Merlin, he was gorgeous.

"Couldn't sleep?" a voice said close to my ear, making me jump a little.

"Don't scare me like that," I said, with a small gasping laugh as James walked around in front of me.

He sat next to me on the couch, leaning his head on my shoulder. We sat there like that for a few moments, just watching the dying fire together in a comfortable silence. "Sirius, should I be worried about you?" James said, his voice a little strained.

"No. What do you mean?" Had he noticed? Had he noticed that I had begun to think about Remus even when it was just the two of us together? Had he noticed that I wasn't the same person I had been at the beginning of our relationship?

"You just…" James sat up and looked at me, concern on his face and deep in his eyes. "You seem to be a bit distracted. Even when it's just us, sitting together talking, I can tell that you're mind is somewhere else. Why don't you tell me what's going on?" His eyes stayed locked onto mine, searching for the answers.

I swallowed, trying to buy time. What could I tell him? What could I possibly tell him? "James, I just.. I think that.." Fuck. I looked at the boy who had been my best friend for so many years and wondered how we had gotten to this point. How we had developed into a couple, and how he came to matter more to me than I expected and less than he deserved. I ran my hands over my face, needing more time to think, more time to stall.

"Are we breaking up?" James asked, his voice mildly, and politely, inquisitive.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm trying to do." I sighed and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, James. I'm just… no where near good enough."

James laughed and ruffled my hair. "Yeah, but who is? I mean, come on. I'm too much to handle." I laughed, relieved that he wasn't upset with me. "We're still friends, right?"

I sat up, shocked, and looked at him. "Of course! Nothing could ever change that."

"Well, in that case…" James smiled at me wicked, a leer in his eyes. "Well are you going to stop ogling at Remus and put a move on it?" He laughed at the surprised look on my face. "You're so obvious, Pads. I know you never really got over him. I'm not as thick as I appear to be."

For a few moments, I looked at him in stunned silence. Yes, we were best friends, but we had just broken up. What was this? None of my other relationships had ever ended on such an unexpected note. I shook my head, laughing a little. "I don't think he'd really want to. Before… Well, before we got together a little something happened between us. I don't know if he likes me." Even with the last time we had kissed thrown into the equation, I still had doubts as to whether or not Remus felt anything for me. Had he been using my relationship as an excuse so he wouldn't hurt me? Or did he really want me?

James looked at me for a few minutes, then laughed. "Wow. I can't believe how insecure you've become. Has being in a relationship with me made you more girly? Because, come on, we both know I wore the pants."

"Insecure? I'm not insecure!" I knew my face was starting to turn red with embarrassment. I was hoping my face couldn't be properly seen in the dim light of the fireplace. "And you were so the girl! I mean, you're still mooning over Lily!"

"Well, at least I'm head over heels for a girl, unlike someone I know." He laughed as I threw a pillow at him, successfully hitting him in the face. James put the pillow in my lap and laid down so his head was resting upon it. "Seriously, Pads," he said as he looked up at me, "what are you going to do about it?"

I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair, finding the mindless action soothing, and rested my head on the back of the sofa. "Nothing, I suppose. For a bit, anyway. How am I to know how he feels for me? He's so practiced at keeping everything inside that it's hard to see what's going on inside that delicious exterior. I suppose I'll just have to wait him out, let him make the next move."

"Are you sure?" James interrupted cautiously, the tone of his voice causing me to look down at him. "I mean, you know Remus. He tends to move at a snail's pace, especially when it's something important. He obsesses and overanalyzes until it's almost too late to do anything about it."

"Yes, I'm sure. I've made too many wrong moves with him as it is. I don't want to make him feel pressured or obligated. I want him to be sure of his feelings for me before he makes any sort of move."

"You've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you, Sirius?"

"Yes, I have," I replied with a sad smile. "I'm sorry that I believed I could fool myself into getting over him and that I used you to help me do so."

James sat up with a smile and ruffled my hair. "No need to apologize. I was using you to get Lily off my mind. It worked for a bit, but we both knew our relationship was never meant to be permanent. Neither of us are to blame."

All I could do was stare at him for a moment before laughing. "James, this has got to be the most surreal break-up either of us has ever gone through."

"I would have to agree with you. Come on, Padfoot," he said as he stood. "I'd say it's time we got to bed. I know I'm bloody exhausted. And we're going to have to think of a way to tell Peter and Remus that we've broken up."

"Go ahead, Prongs. I'll be right up." James nodded and bounded up the stairs to the dormitory. I took the time by myself to think about what had just transpired before the fire.

The fact that I was now free to have Remus meant nothing. What if he didn't want me? How would he react now that the excuse of a relationship was no longer between us? Would he find some other reason why he couldn't be with me? Or would he confess his undying love for me? Or perhaps he would do neither of those things. Perhaps he would just sit upon his thoughts and never reveal anything.

"Merlin's beard," I said to myself with disgust, "James is right. I am the girl."


End file.
